Intimacy: Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said...

By Nessa - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Walk on the wild side

Season finale

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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By Ashton Sprunger - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

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By AmICrappyEveryOtherDay - Canada

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, "Hey, you don't look like crap today." FML

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By crazygirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

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By spooked - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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By Lesley - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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By Janice

RIP in peace

Today, while working as a bank teller, a woman came in with a $100k check. I commented, "Wow, I really could do with one of these!" She responded, "It's a life insurance check. I'd rather have my son back," and teared up in front of me. FML

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By BedazzledAlpaca - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

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By hatelife - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

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By Phil - France

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

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By Username

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

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By aaaaahhhh - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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By annoyed - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nevada

Today, I gave my daughter the sex talk. Barely 10 minutes later, her public Facebook status read: "My mom's a total pedo." and after she mentioned the talk, her friend posted, "That's sexual harassment. You can sue for that." Clearly I've failed as a parent. FML

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By wurtabang - United States

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

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By oogabooga9

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML

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By Misunderstood Waitress - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

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By cazzb - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML

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By liveviathetredmill - United States - New York

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 20:08

Cash dispenser

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

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By Cat - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. His response? "It's not like I liked it." FML

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By twowords - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Stuck on amber

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

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By grossgross - United States

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

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By lulabell - United States

Today, I waved at a cute guy when I was leaving Wendy's. I then ran into a curb, spilled my frosty, and hit my head on the steering wheel. I turned around and both the cute guy and his dad were in hysterics. FML

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By CODgirl102 - United States - Palm Bay

Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

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By Pudgymom

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By randomguy - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By Carlah - 17/3/2020 20:30

Deception

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

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Top comments

By Regulate | 21

#7452536 - Thursday 11 May 2017 0:19

I'm so sorry OP. Don't know how I'd deal with something like that. Hope you noticed early and it wasn't half way through when the tape started :(

I'm so careful even watching porn. Incognito tab, house mates out of the flat. Some people just leave their sex tapes lying around. Different world.

By jfsiv | 17

#7452561 - Thursday 11 May 2017 1:07

I really hope they didn't record over your baby tape, that would really suck. Sorry OP.

COMMENTS

By Regulate | 21

#7452536 - Thursday 11 May 2017 0:19

dextroz | 8

#7453080 - Thursday 11 May 2017 20:31

Tip...unzip...

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7452546 - Thursday 11 May 2017 0:45

i wouldn't know how to deal with that. sorry for the nightmare OP

By jfsiv | 17

#7452561 - Thursday 11 May 2017 1:07

I really hope they didn't record over your baby tape, that would really suck. Sorry OP.

By Randomness911 | 12

#7452567 - Thursday 11 May 2017 1:15

OP I need some follow-up...what was your moms reaction?! Also I hope u have some brain/eye bleech handy.

Lalala579121 | 27

#7452620 - Thursday 11 May 2017 4:35

I need some just from reading "bleech".

Randomness911 | 12

#7452692 - Thursday 11 May 2017 8:34

*bleach. Sorry for the typo.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7452571 - Thursday 11 May 2017 1:23

How many times did you watch it?

I was half-expecting your mom to want to take video of your boobs to win a bet. Perhaps a double-or-nothing wager from yesterday's gaming.

By katluvr | 22

#7452598 - Thursday 11 May 2017 2:51

Well, that was unfortunate. Did you at least get popcorn with the movie?

By Joshua Michael Miller | 5

#7452611 - Thursday 11 May 2017 3:45

I know the feeling. it's horrifying. I would say drink it away but it's already burnt in there. see if you can find a shrink that knows how to repress memories haha and if you find one let me know i have some that need to go too. hope the nightmare ends one day.

By species4872 | 19

#7452639 - Thursday 11 May 2017 6:32

Big deal.. she probably forgot all about.

By interested | 7

#7452700 - Thursday 11 May 2017 8:59

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By interested | 7

#7452701 - Thursday 11 May 2017 8:59

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment