Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML
Today, I got burgled. Not only did he steal my TV and game consoles, but he took a huge diarrhea dump in my underwear drawer and wiped his ass with my tailored suit. The dry cleaner won't accept it because it's a biohazard. FML
Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML
Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML
Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML
Today, I got home and found all my things thrown out into the yard, including the stuff from my mancave, which I spent thousands of dollars on. Apparently, my girlfriend stopped for a visit while my wife was home. I’d stupidly given her a key. Turns out my wife called out sick today. FML
Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML
Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML
Today, I Febrezed my one remaining suit because I haven’t had a chance to go to the dry cleaners yet. I Febrezed it over the bed, so some got on the sheets. My girlfriend then got home and hit me in the head with a vase, because she thought the Febreze on the sheets was another woman’s perfume. FML
Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML
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Top comments
Maddoctor 10
I smell a restraining order...
sparkey0127 0
i'd second that sniff
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Comments (87)
perdix 31
She threw your suit in the trash and took your trash can out to the curb? She sounds like a keeper! Ok, you won't get this job, but your ex-gf should give you one that is much, much better.
cthulhu1138 1
Report her to the police and ask your prospective employer to reschedule the interview on the grounds that someone broke into your house last night and you're still sorting matters out with the police.
Reyo 2
This would've been the phone call I made right after the one to the police. Seriously bro, they'll understand. If they don't, chances are you don't want to work for them.
AGGoddess 2
This sounds a little weird to me. You say you put your suit on your bed instead of in the closet and she slept in your bed. Where did you sleep, and why would you not sleep in your own bed?
ilmlsm 0
Call the police!! What a bitch
yakturk43 0
YDI for not having any common sense and hanging up your suit before you laid in bed. any reasonable person out there would realize they could wrinkle the suit. You deserve no sympathy
menschmaschine5 0
Not if the bed's big...
mcfaily 0
oh no, not the $200 suit. I didn't even know you could buy suits for under 500
Subtext 10
Your nickname fits you.
Dimercurio 1
too bad he's right, what kind of suit costs $200?
Mirequetz 6
I'm pretty much seconding all the comments. You had a suit drycleaned then left it on your bed rather than hanging it? Then your ex came over drunk, broke in and took it out to the curb? Regardless, if this is true, tell that bitch she owes you $200.00.
bee1504 0
Agreed. I call a fake.
marc300585 0
what is ur ex doing on bed?? isn't she ur ex?? and on the first place how did she get in??
Candyholic 7
Did you read the post? She broke in. Thats how she got in.
YoungE 0
yes he is stupid, but to say he deserves it because he should expect that his drunk ex would break into his house
ipwnallmen 10
Oo