Miscellaneous: Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am....

By xnj319 - 12/03/2009 14:29 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn't stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbour's burning house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 067

You deserved it 73 815

xnj319 tells us more.

xnj319 2

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:45

There aren't enough words allotted to tell a complete story... My sinuses are fucked in the morning, I can't smell anything until I go blow my nose. It was the neighbour's house across the street, which I can't see from my bedroom. And no, I heard no sirens. I live in a bad neighbourhood and have gotten used to sirens all night long, to the point where they no longer wake me.

Miscellaneous

BO Central

Another great day to be alive

Road hog

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 00:22

Today, a coworker told me I was "fat shaming" them by discussing weight loss with other coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 507

You deserved it 716

By straightasaneedle - 02/02/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 504

You deserved it 4 848

By Anonymous - 22/03/2011 14:59 - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 987

You deserved it 17 011

Objectification

By cmck932012 - 26/06/2012 06:18 - United States - Tyrone

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer bent forward and I admired his ass. When he turned, I couldn't tell if he caught me or not. At the end of the interview he shook my hand in congratulations of getting the job, then said, "Yes, I do work out." I have to see him every day now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 499

You deserved it 32 548

By ohgodwhy - 18/09/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 680

You deserved it 19 111

One law for thee…

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 22:00

Today, I realised my mom is a big hypocrite for telling me sex is wrong and sinful outside marriage, because I just worked out from their marriage certificate my mom must have been pregnant with me in college, and I was born after they’d only been married for 4 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 141

By soljaboy - 04/06/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 094

You deserved it 152 442

By dajfleasd - 25/07/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a date. I spent extra time getting ready in the shower, making sure I was all shaved. I was shaving my upper lip to make sure I didn't have a mustache. I cut my lip really badly, leaving the most noticable razor cut on my face for my date. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 000

You deserved it 27 677

Can't turn it off

By Anonymous - 28/11/2021 23:01

Today, I got a new job where one of my co-workers is someone I have been in love with for over 5 years now. She's married but my feelings for her just won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 563

You deserved it 664

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 264

You deserved it 3 239

By Bart - 03/07/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 271

You deserved it 3 495

By Anonymous - 11/07/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 787

You deserved it 9 419

By deerslayer559 - 27/09/2017 23:14

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 660

You deserved it 404

By Anonyme - 12/02/2014 09:47 - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 240

You deserved it 38 729

By Quortney - 22/07/2015 04:20 - United States

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 540

You deserved it 3 051

By Sarah - 18/07/2019 12:00

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 170

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 02:48 - United States - Encinitas

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 209

You deserved it 8 108

By Anonymous - 08/12/2016 14:53

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 657

You deserved it 1 350

Don't mind me

By everyonewasstaring - 22/12/2009 23:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 513

You deserved it 4 325

By Vincent - 02/01/2014 05:04 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 012

You deserved it 8 299

By Anonymous - 25/09/2016 04:13 - United States - Midland

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 242

You deserved it 926

By ohmyx3 - 30/04/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 045

You deserved it 9 875

By Anonymous - 15/05/2016 21:10 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 262

You deserved it 1 381

Thanks dad…

By Anonymous - 26/09/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 561

You deserved it 2 590

By Aeare_ - 17/09/2016 04:15 - United States - Dixon

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 458

You deserved it 1 225

By Sean - 07/09/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 533

You deserved it 5 802

By Jason - 05/02/2018 15:30 - United States - Kenai

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 438

You deserved it 976

By everyonesdivorced - 02/10/2009 16:47 - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 507

You deserved it 3 163

Cheers

By ineedanotherdrink - 07/08/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, she said, "Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?" Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy by the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 913

You deserved it 5 399

By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 847

You deserved it 54 337

By TDCC - 17/04/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 224

You deserved it 9 975

Seventh heaven

By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 433

By Nojob - 06/06/2018 09:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 055

You deserved it 185

Notice me please

By wut? - 04/05/2020 14:00

Today, my daughter has been locked in her room screaming and sobbing for the past 2 hours. Apparently, I didn’t make a big enough deal of her coming out, so I must not care about her. What I said was I didn’t care if she was gay, and that it wouldn’t change anything. Sorry for being accepting I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 10:41 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 142

You deserved it 1 906

By imsorrylove - 31/03/2010 04:44 - United States

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 33 009

Family love

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 11:00

Today, I'd arranged a family reunion to see family I hadn't seen in years. Out of about 20 people, only 3 said they would come. One messaged to cancel the night before. The other two no-showed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 93

Preemptive strike time

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 07:58

Today, my husband compared leaving me for another woman to finding another job with a better pay, saying, "Sometimes, better is out there, and I deserve better." He seriously thinks it’s a good enough reason. We’ve been married for 11 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 130

By embaressed - 27/01/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 237

You deserved it 33 978

By WarMachine68 - 06/06/2015 19:19 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 136

You deserved it 2 100

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

generalsmith2 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 19:59

why the hell would anyone using power tools stop using them because you told them to? fool.

AlmostThere_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:07

lololololol Damn, people are really critical here. When you're half asleep it's like you're a different person. You have distorted judgment.

generalsmith2 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 19:59

why the hell would anyone using power tools stop using them because you told them to? fool.

kingace 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 March 2010 0:25

what i don't understand is how he didn't see or smell the fire, and also heard no sirens.

mackenzieex3 0

Send a private message

Friday 6 August 2010 8:12

how in the world did you not hear the sirens if you woke up from power tools??

HopelesslyHpfl 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 19:59

That is horrible =/

alex_vik 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 19:59

Maybe you should've looked when you stuck your head out the window.

iammeanttolive 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:04

No need to be a bitch just because you're tired.

urie 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:05

couldn't you have smelled the smoke anyway? jackass.

AlmostThere_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:07

lololololol Damn, people are really critical here. When you're half asleep it's like you're a different person. You have distorted judgment.

qwerty8788 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 March 2010 0:27

that's true^^

greedy_dead_soul 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:08

Yeah, damn, how did you neither smell the smoke nor open your eyes when you stuck your head out the window to tell them to shut up?

Bubs_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:10

Way to be a jackass there, pal.

rymadness 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 21 July 2010 4:13

lol

jackdaniels_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:17

um, so the sound of power tools woke you up, but the much louder sound of sirens that would have been used didn't??

Turtles 0

Send a private message

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:24

So you didn't see the fire trucks or smell the smoke, or hear sirens? I Call BS.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 11

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 2 350

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 195

xnj319 tells us more.

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments