Money: Today, I was using the bathroom at McDonald's when my wallet...

Hello, OP here! So you FMLers know, my wallet now goes in safe places when I use the bathroom( ie. My purse or backpack.) I was actually in the process of reaching down to pick it up when her hand appeared in my stall, from under the door. I didn't step on her hand, but thought about it. I did yell at her and report her to management, though. She has actually stolen other people's wallets, so I guess I am lucky.

Money

The smell detective is on the case

Sorry…

Walk on the wild side

12/08/2018 20:30

Today, my husband of 10 years decided only after I told him I wanted a divorce that his niece is also his daughter. FML

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24/02/2011 10:34

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

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Unreasonable

By Tanner_6969 - 11/05/2019 04:00

Today, my boss told me I can't use the computer for entertainment. This coming from the same person who spends hours at a time every day on Facebook and other similar websites. I'm also not allowed to sit down while using the computer, which I use about half of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 825

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14/08/2014 19:50

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 804

You deserved it 9 092

Keep in touch

By Anonymous - 01/11/2019 22:00

Today on my birthday, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get matching tattoos. Our tattoo artist happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I sat and listened to them talk about their relationship and how they should stay in touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 041

You deserved it 305

Assumption Day

By hashtag beard life - 12/10/2020 17:01

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said she, “hates daddy’s kisses because they feel funny.” My extended family freaked out and assumed the worse. My husband has recently grown a beard and my daughter hates how scratchy it feels. He’s not a monster but they still treat us weird now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 292

You deserved it 68

15/11/2018 05:00

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 577

You deserved it 152

17/06/2014 20:44

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 072

You deserved it 8 074

13/12/2018 22:00

Today, it's my birthday. I lit my birthday candles on the cake I made myself and blew them out alone, while my worthless husband sat on the couch stuffing Doritos in his face. My present? He sprayed Lysol in the bathroom after he took a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 945

You deserved it 573

03/07/2018 01:30

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 462

You deserved it 4 590

30/12/2009 03:11

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 571

You deserved it 3 963

Third degree

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 06:01

Today, my wife left her curling iron on the bed, which was dangerous enough, but I also accidentally sat on it after my shower. Now I have a burn on the bottom of my balls, which has turned into a painful blister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 92

Assumptions

By Blue Lemon - 13/12/2020 20:01

Today, I was at a job interview and thought the guy interviewing me was a bit of a perv because he kept staring down at my cleavage. Afterwards, I realised what he was really looking at: the wire in my bra had popped out and had been poking right through my shirt like a dagger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 239

02/07/2011 14:06

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 256

You deserved it 7 913

01/06/2016 21:33

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 855

You deserved it 1 116

09/09/2009 16:53

Today, my grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 413

You deserved it 8 179

27/09/2015 01:47

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

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You deserved it 8 427

17/11/2011 14:06

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 567

You deserved it 6 061

17/11/2016 03:39

Today, upon applying for a new job to leave my old crappy job I was informed by my new potential employer that he was unable to hire me because he is friends with my current boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 929

You deserved it 708

28/04/2009 02:10

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 332

You deserved it 58 400

09/01/2010 16:11

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 605

You deserved it 3 423

26/08/2009 20:31

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 162

You deserved it 5 455

13/08/2011 04:06

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 452

You deserved it 16 113

01/05/2012 13:58

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 965

You deserved it 5 013

02/04/2012 13:37

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 820

You deserved it 2 517

03/06/2011 20:22

Today, I received an email from my potential employers at the zoo, saying that they won't be hiring me. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't keep sending me the same email every two hours to remind me that I am still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 665

You deserved it 2 843

14/03/2012 02:32

Today, I got back to work at my hospital after some sick leave. The first jackass to waste my time was a guy with leg lacerations. This, he claimed, was because he tried to break a samurai sword over his leg as part of a bet. It's day one and already I want to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 466

You deserved it 6 442

Is this a joke?

By smiletellsall - 06/08/2009 23:41

Today, my boss called me into his office. He had a huge smile on his face, so I assumed I was going to get promoted. He then sat down, and told me that he had been sleeping with my wife for the last three months. He still had a huge smile on his face. FML

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You deserved it 3 095

Three's company

By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58

Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 520

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 18/07/2020 23:02

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

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You deserved it 365

Sharing is caring

By cpmagnusox - 17/03/2020 08:30

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 1 176

15/11/2018 13:30

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 751

You deserved it 172

22/06/2019 04:35

Today, my girlfriend was watching an online video by some vegan girl with a bad fringe talking about bulk buying food to stay healthy. My immediate remark was, "Bulk buy a new fringe, bitch." It went very quiet before my girlfriend replied, "That's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 2 046

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 14:07

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 1 144

20/01/2009 01:23

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 245

You deserved it 2 784

Alas, poor Tiddles

By SonOfACatKiller - 19/09/2019 08:00

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 508

You deserved it 118

14/09/2018 18:30

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 849

You deserved it 117

29/04/2014 22:40

Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she'd been sleeping with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 658

You deserved it 3 765

15/03/2009 02:27

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 856

You deserved it 70 181

01/01/2010 05:12

Today, I was with my boyfriend of two months, hoping this would be our night of the first kiss. I was so excited when the ball started to drop. When it hit "0", I turned to him, hoping for a kiss, and saw him making out with another girl. He didn't even turn around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 753

You deserved it 7 529

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Top comments

gamber9210 13

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:17

People these days.. Geeze.

Grauncho 26

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:22

I hope you stomped on her hand.

Comments

gamber9210 13

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:17

People these days.. Geeze.

fishstick557 14

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:26

You've kept me at suspense OP... Did she get it??

etoilenuit 15

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:27

This is literally what I said in my head before I read your comment.

bethers_ 22

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:29

Op said "tried to grab it," not "grabbed it," so I think the wallet is safe. At any rate, I hope Op stepped on her fingers! :O

calilovesneb 12

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Monday 30 September 2013 11:00

Forget stepping on her fingers, I would have pissed on her.

Nevermind212 11

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Monday 30 September 2013 11:30

I sometimes feel sorry for this planet

jw90 18

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Monday 30 September 2013 11:49

Is she really that desperate for money? Wait..she's eating at McDonalds. Answered my own question.

BugEatingMan 4

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Monday 30 September 2013 14:02

#34 you just made my day hahaha i could imagine the picture in my head

immunetoinsanity 23

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Monday 30 September 2013 19:44

I would have stepped on her hand and pissed on her arm. Just me?

Kamon97 23

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Monday 30 September 2013 20:17

Next time that happens she should just step on her fingers...

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 6:19

Some people just.....just make you wonder. How the hell are you going to try and take someone's wallet? 1. You're in two seperats stalls, your hand shouldn't even be in any other stall besides yours! 2. You know someone is in the stall next to you, but you still try and take it anyway. I bet if you asked her why she did it, she would've said, "I didn't know you were in there.".....-_- If I were you I would've just shit on her hand. Imagine how fast she'd be running out her stall...

footcheezeez 16

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Tuesday 19 November 2013 17:17

Stomp on the fuckers hand! Crush her fuckin fingers!

Pauschinator 22

Monday 30 September 2013 9:17

Hashtag thirsty!

asnakelovinbabe 16

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:21

..... What???? Seriously... this stupid hashtag shit.

golden_warrior 23

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:26

Fuck it, number sign not thirsty

Grauncho 26

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:28

Get out.

Brownie101abc 7

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Monday 30 September 2013 13:17

That doesn't make sense.....

Llama_Face89 33

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Monday 30 September 2013 15:02

You need to reevaluate your life choices..

Pauschinator 22

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Monday 30 September 2013 16:02

My bad. I don't even know how I did that? It was at 3:30 in the morning. I'm sorry.

EpicJman2828 11

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Monday 30 September 2013 18:49

Welcome to our quaint little community of FML we have our regulars, our "almost there" comments, grammar nazis and a fair share of assholes. You brought that #shit in and now we invite you to get the fuck out.

SmilieAKD 20

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Monday 30 September 2013 20:49

That is one if my favorite comments of all time.

anitriarose 5

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 6:03

tic-tac-toe board you all suck

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 6:21

No....just no. How does that even make sense? Like wtf?

psyonomega 4

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Tuesday 18 March 2014 9:10

hashtag go fuck yourself

golden_warrior 23

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:18

It's Mcdonalds and weird shits are bound to happen

ileenefudge 29

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Monday 30 September 2013 10:19

Just imagine what would have happened if it had been in Walmart...

tanekdrachonae 19

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Monday 30 September 2013 13:28

@3 Not weird, just greasy. ;-)

TheCaramelKing 11

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Monday 30 September 2013 22:12

Golden_warrior, I always see you reply to a comment with negative votes and have a comment with positive votes...

cottoncandymango 17

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Wednesday 2 October 2013 23:08

Damn. Thirsty people are McDonald's these days...

ThePikachuHood 4

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:18

She was desperate.

Miss_Latina 13

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Monday 30 September 2013 9:38

She is ghetto!

SmittyKick 18

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Monday 30 September 2013 20:48

#25- woah, being "ghetto" doesn't make you like that, in fact there are people who live in the "ghetto" that are very helpful towards others. I should know because I lived there. please do not generalize people who do stupid, selfish and ignorant things as "ghetto"

TheDrifter 23

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Monday 30 September 2013 22:59

Not everyone in the ghetto is ghetto and not all ghetto people live in the ghetto. It's just a clear and concise description of behavior that is fairly universally understood.