Today, I was using the bathroom at McDonald's when my wallet...

By NotSoTypical - 29/9/2013 23:30 - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom at McDonald's when my wallet fell out of my pocket. A lady reached into my stall and tried to grab it. FML

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NotSoTypical Say more :

Hello, OP here! So you FMLers know, my wallet now goes in safe places when I use the bathroom( ie. My purse or backpack.) I was actually in the process of reaching down to pick it up when her hand appeared in my stall, from under the door. I didn't step on her hand, but thought about it. I did yell at her and report her to management, though. She has actually stolen other people's wallets, so I guess I am lucky.

Money

Dad jokes, part 43884

Great boyfriend

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By "nzfireman" - 4/9/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 13:06 - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

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By distressed - 17/3/2015 12:00 - Australia - Burwood

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

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By brittsters - 4/9/2015 17:46 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

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By ItGirl - 9/11/2014 02:36 - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

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By gross - 15/7/2011 01:09 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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By hipster glasses - 16/8/2013 11:08 - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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By NotYourFriend - 24/10/2016 19:53

Today, I had to kick my husband's friend out of our house after a week. He left lights on, played video games all day, ate all of our food and laughed when his son hit my dog. He was only invited over for one dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 13:32 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML

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By gingerbread - 18/12/2017 18:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 23:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

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By JessBaby - 4/5/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother passed away. When I told my boyfriend I began to cry. Instead of caring, he said "you're getting my bed wet," rolled over, and fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Fall City

Today, two days before a big weight lifting competition with a $3,000 grand prize, I broke my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 04:51 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

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By blind_date - 13/9/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the 3rd person. Seriously. FML

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By Evra - 23/1/2015 07:39 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was asked by a total stranger if I had Tourettes. This is the third time this has happened to me. FML

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By angry - 22/6/2010 07:47 - Australia

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

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By jp_boards - 12/12/2017 14:58

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2017 00:30

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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By xobeachbabi428ox - 18/7/2009 22:32 - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

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By ihatemondays - 23/8/2012 06:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By humanshield - 10/4/2016 16:49 - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for her boss. The same boss that, two weeks ago, caused her to come to me crying because he was sexually harassing her at work. When I told her I'd intervene, she told me she'd handle it. I guess she certainly did. FML

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By Liam. - 1/2/2010 05:15 - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By Just Awkward - 21/4/2017 02:00

Today, I was in class rubbing my hands together. The lecturer thought that because my hands were up, I had a question. I replied with, "Oh, no I was just playing with myself." Just as it left my mouth, I realised what I was saying. FML

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By funnyERstory - 23/11/2016 04:31 - United States - Houston

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2012 15:24 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I called my mom while she was out of town and confessed how I have been depressed lately and thinking suicidal thoughts. After my long sob story, she took a breath and said, "OK, just make sure you don't forget to take the dogs out." FML

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By apaterra - 7/11/2015 14:14 - United States - Washington

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 08:19 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, a colleague told me he was pretending to be me on a dating site, and that he has four pending dates. Last time I tried being myself, my first and only date pushed me down some stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 23:51 - United States - Quincy

Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML

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By karina17 - 18/10/2009 05:03 - Canada

Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late - he said 'Oh, something came up'. I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML

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By Jack - 30/11/2013 08:31 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I realized my girlfriend has been "on her period" for almost two months. FML

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By moronforadad - 5/1/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

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By UH-OH - 15/3/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By Jayman223 - 10/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

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Top comments

By gamber9210 | 13

#5695853 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:17

People these days.. Geeze.

By Grauncho | 26

#5695869 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:22

I hope you stomped on her hand.

Comments

By gamber9210 | 13

#5695853 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:17

People these days.. Geeze.

fishstick557 | 14

#5695874 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:26

You've kept me at suspense OP... Did she get it??

etoilenuit | 15

#5695880 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:27

This is literally what I said in my head before I read your comment.

bethers_ | 22

#5695883 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:29

Op said "tried to grab it," not "grabbed it," so I think the wallet is safe. At any rate, I hope Op stepped on her fingers! :O

calilovesneb | 12

#5695946 - Monday 30 September 2013 11:00

Forget stepping on her fingers, I would have pissed on her.

Nevermind212 | 11

#5695957 - Monday 30 September 2013 11:30

I sometimes feel sorry for this planet

jw90 | 18

#5695965 - Monday 30 September 2013 11:49

Is she really that desperate for money? Wait..she's eating at McDonalds. Answered my own question.

BugEatingMan | 4

#5696099 - Monday 30 September 2013 14:02

#34 you just made my day hahaha i could imagine the picture in my head

immunetoinsanity | 23

#5696496 - Monday 30 September 2013 19:44

I would have stepped on her hand and pissed on her arm. Just me?

Kamon97 | 23

#5696549 - Monday 30 September 2013 20:17

Next time that happens she should just step on her fingers...

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5697333 - Tuesday 1 October 2013 6:19

Some people just.....just make you wonder. How the hell are you going to try and take someone's wallet? 1. You're in two seperats stalls, your hand shouldn't even be in any other stall besides yours! 2. You know someone is in the stall next to you, but you still try and take it anyway. I bet if you asked her why she did it, she would've said, "I didn't know you were in there.".....-_- If I were you I would've just shit on her hand. Imagine how fast she'd be running out her stall...

footcheezeez | 16

#5760420 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 17:17

Stomp on the fuckers hand! Crush her fuckin fingers!

By Pauschinator | 22

#5695855 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:17

Hashtag thirsty!

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5695865 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:21

..... What????

Seriously... this stupid hashtag shit.

golden_warrior | 23

#5695877 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:26

Fuck it, number sign not thirsty

Grauncho | 26

#5695881 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:28

Get out.

Brownie101abc | 7

#5696062 - Monday 30 September 2013 13:17

That doesn't make sense.....

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5696160 - Monday 30 September 2013 15:02

You need to reevaluate your life choices..

Pauschinator | 22

#5696204 - Monday 30 September 2013 16:02

My bad. I don't even know how I did that? It was at 3:30 in the morning. I'm sorry.

EpicJman2828 | 11

#5696400 - Monday 30 September 2013 18:49

Welcome to our quaint little community of FML we have our regulars, our "almost there" comments, grammar nazis and a fair share of assholes. You brought that #shit in and now we invite you to get the fuck out.

SmilieAKD | 20

#5696599 - Monday 30 September 2013 20:49

That is one if my favorite comments of all time.

anitriarose | 5

#5697319 - Tuesday 1 October 2013 6:03

tic-tac-toe board you all suck

IloveToLaugh143 | 21

#5697334 - Tuesday 1 October 2013 6:21

No....just no. How does that even make sense? Like wtf?

psyonomega | 4

#5888524 - Tuesday 18 March 2014 9:10

hashtag go fuck yourself

By golden_warrior | 23

#5695859 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:18

It's Mcdonalds and weird shits are bound to happen

ileenefudge | 29

#5695920 - Monday 30 September 2013 10:19

Just imagine what would have happened if it had been in Walmart...

tanekdrachonae | 19

#5696075 - Monday 30 September 2013 13:28

@3 Not weird, just greasy. ;-)

TheCaramelKing | 11

#5696681 - Monday 30 September 2013 22:12

Golden_warrior, I always see you reply to a comment with negative votes and have a comment with positive votes...

cottoncandymango | 17

#5700022 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 23:08

Damn. Thirsty people are McDonald's these days...

By ThePikachuHood | 4

#5695860 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:18

She was desperate.

Miss_Latina | 13

#5695890 - Monday 30 September 2013 9:38

She is ghetto!

SmittyKick | 18

#5696594 - Monday 30 September 2013 20:48

#25- woah, being "ghetto" doesn't make you like that, in fact there are people who live in the "ghetto" that are very helpful towards others. I should know because I lived there. please do not generalize people who do stupid, selfish and ignorant things as "ghetto"

TheDrifter | 23

#5696740 - Monday 30 September 2013 22:59

Not everyone in the ghetto is ghetto and not all ghetto people live in the ghetto. It's just a clear and concise description of behavior that is fairly universally understood.