Today, I was so tired I somehow managed to use black false eyelash...

By Katxx93 - 01/01/2018 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was so tired I somehow managed to use black false eyelash glue instead of my liquid eyeliner. Every time I sneeze my eyes become glued shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 2 547

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

So that makes it alright?

Judgment Day

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 12:06 - United States - Pratt

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 384

You deserved it 1 840

By whykarma - 26/03/2013 21:17 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 854

You deserved it 3 487

By lonelyboy101 - 27/08/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 805

You deserved it 8 586

By Anonymous - 29/08/2013 19:33 - United States - Little Rock

Today, after a long couple of months working non-stop, I finally got someone to cover my shift. Turns out she was joking, and when I didn't show up for work, I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 787

You deserved it 3 669

By Nightsong - 30/03/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 320

You deserved it 19 292

By Craigslist is Evil. - 24/09/2013 18:12 - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 139

You deserved it 5 446

By hurts - 04/05/2009 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 575

You deserved it 4 974

Malding

By ptwm - 25/01/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 551

You deserved it 2 921

By ddriver100 - 05/06/2019 18:00

Today, I picked up some of my friends from a bar downtown. They were pretty drunk and were yelling stupid things at people walking by. After stopping to let a fat guy cross the street, they yelled, "Hurry up fatty!" He responded by throwing his milkshake at my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 549

You deserved it 772

By TCRII - 13/06/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 423

You deserved it 371

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 145

Delusional

By Anonymous - 26/07/2020 02:01

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 88

Scream

By dating a pussy - 18/02/2014 21:15 - United States - Maryville

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 093

You deserved it 5 726

By virginmary - 02/03/2010 12:38 - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 312

You deserved it 3 831

By sodapants - 22/03/2016 20:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a man came by with a large drink and sat next to me in the bus terminal. In all his wisdom, he tried setting it between the seats. Naturally, it spilled all over me. I now have to sit with a soaked pair of pants and a wet carry on from Nashville to Atlanta. The bus trip is 5 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 984

You deserved it 1 182

By (-__- ) ( ^.^) - 11/10/2013 21:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 825

You deserved it 6 301

By Fag_Hag - 06/02/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 299

You deserved it 3 295

By teddyissmall - 14/04/2014 06:29 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 742

You deserved it 7 385

By Anonymous - 07/04/2009 15:51 - Japan

Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 425

You deserved it 91 501

By nohablaespanol - 18/03/2013 23:42 - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 519

You deserved it 93 351

By lynn - 22/06/2012 16:14 - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 234

You deserved it 2 084

Bunged up

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 02:00

Today, as caregiver, I had to physically remove the shit my grandpa had stuck in his rectum, because he doesn't remember how to shit. He barely knows who I am, which is good because when he remembers who he is, he becomes an abusive asshole. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 087

You deserved it 73

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 23/07/2020 23:01

Today, I texted my friend, asking if he could give me a ride. He assumed I meant sex, and told me I need to respect boundaries. I actually needed a ride to the hospital for a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 211

By La Guigne - 08/04/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 589

You deserved it 7 860

By katie - 23/08/2019 06:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 3 671

By SiegFail - 23/11/2017 05:00

Today, my students are asking friends and family to come to a charity event. That would be all well if they weren't constantly mixing up "Rally Against Genocide" and "Support Genocide Victims" and telling everyone to come to the "Rally to Support Genocide". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 049

You deserved it 298

By Owned - 25/03/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 745

You deserved it 9 193

By aliqi - 12/05/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 253

You deserved it 3 406

NSFW FML

By Fireguy92 - 01/02/2013 04:39 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 413

You deserved it 2 566

By kha - 24/03/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 229

You deserved it 15 099

By -_-" - 11/01/2014 23:13 - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 9 015

By Anonymous - 14/04/2015 01:50 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 293

You deserved it 2 297

By boyishgirl - 27/02/2015 19:14 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 868

You deserved it 3 070

By umbrella - 24/07/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, a man held a door open for me while I fished my umbrella out of my very cluttered bag. As I was opening my umbrella, I turned to thank him for being such a gentleman. Instead, a tampon that had apparently wedged itself into the folds of my umbrella flew into his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 247

You deserved it 5 957

By paradox - 07/02/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 296

You deserved it 5 342

(facepalm)

By Anonymous - 06/02/2018 15:00

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 879

You deserved it 288

By ohgod. - 10/10/2012 02:59 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 161

You deserved it 3 160

By soontobemurder - 03/05/2017 18:00

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 687

You deserved it 242

By Anonymous - 12/03/2019 20:00

Today, my friend was complaining about how she did not like Mexican food. Confused, I asked her whether she had even had Mexican food, to which she replied, “Yeah, I mean I’ve had Taco Bell.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 068

You deserved it 236

By Jes - 28/06/2016 00:44

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 844

You deserved it 1 114

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Gwenevier 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 January 2018 7:46

Sorry bro, gotta call BS on this one. Eyelash glue dries completely after a solid 5 minutes, and then it’s not sticky to the touch anymore.

mt21mt 15

Send a private message

Monday 1 January 2018 17:45

Maybe you should wash that off.

Akitakat 31

Send a private message

Friday 29 December 2017 14:42

... & they said, you have no talent.

Dave_Davington 33

Send a private message

Monday 1 January 2018 15:51

So your eyes are glued shut. I for one cannot think of a more perfect excuse for a lie down.

Lobby_Bee 17

Send a private message

Monday 1 January 2018 17:16

Just don't shut your eyes when you sneeze. It is as simple as that.

worldclassrager 39

Send a private message

Monday 1 January 2018 17:25

Mark them...

mt21mt 15

Send a private message

Monday 1 January 2018 17:45

Maybe you should wash that off.

neuronerd 28

Monday 1 January 2018 19:21

As someone who uses both liquid liner and eyelash glue, I'm asking how? Unless it's completely different in the UK, those seem impossible to mix up.

IndigoPhlo 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 January 2018 13:38

My lash glue looks like a tube of liquid liner. Has a super thin brush applicator in a tube of black liquid. However, this can't happen to me because I use a felt-tip liner pen.