Miscellaneous: Today, I was so drunk that I forgot how to use the key to my...

By nomorealcoholeva - Norway - Bod?

Today, I was so drunk that I forgot how to use the key to my front door. But I knew how to break a window, get into my locked basement, and unlock the basement door with my front door's key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25232

You deserved it

16986

Favorite

nomorealcoholeva tells us more :

Followup for asked questions! I found my phone, wallet and lipstick in the Mailbox. I am 97% sure i smashed the window with the heel of my shoes. And i live alone, so the only explaining i have to do is to my landlord, Jesus, i do not look forward to that. And yes. I am a 22year old girl. Boom

Miscellaneous

Out of it

Triage

Inappropriate crush

By Rowan Curry - United States - San Jose

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9633

You deserved it

49092

Favorite

By FrustratedTutor - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36690

You deserved it

2810

Favorite

By robert - United States

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25323

You deserved it

4192

Favorite

By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40793

You deserved it

3513

Favorite

By Amazon Ruined My Life

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1200

You deserved it

3296

Favorite

By Letteh

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4006

You deserved it

507

Favorite

By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7779

You deserved it

36726

Favorite

By stubble - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35781

You deserved it

3468

Favorite

By fatguyinalittlecoat - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25741

You deserved it

5208

Favorite

By Noname - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23686

You deserved it

3024

Favorite

By This sucks

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2550

You deserved it

591

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37247

You deserved it

5802

Favorite

By crap - United States

Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11833

You deserved it

44770

Favorite

By Bishop

Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42069

You deserved it

6603

Favorite

By Kendall14159 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

I agree, your life sucks

19058

You deserved it

2612

Favorite

By crier - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50459

You deserved it

12390

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after 4 years of college to get a BA in Marketing and 2 years to get an MBA, I landed a great job as a receptionist. My boss likes to fist bump when I buzz him through the security door correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4097

You deserved it

737

Favorite

By Dontwaketheneighbors - United States - Santee

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40571

You deserved it

4543

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

16682

You deserved it

61371

Favorite

By Scared4Lf - United States - Lamoure

Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19779

You deserved it

1503

Favorite

By no booze, no boyfriend - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49841

You deserved it

4630

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30557

You deserved it

3044

Favorite

By Anonymous - Maldives

Today, while using the bathroom I gave the toilet a courtesy flush, only for it to overflow and soak my pants. That would've been bad enough even if I hadn't been at work, with five hours left on my shift and no change of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13216

You deserved it

1045

Favorite

By DarkMaskDiva - 21/3/2020 18:00

Vicious circle

Today, I found out the medication my doctor gave me for depression is making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1738

You deserved it

192

Favorite

By Teen With No Money - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31279

You deserved it

3097

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66619

You deserved it

4065

Favorite

By Cecilly2010

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50505

You deserved it

5219

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46556

You deserved it

4330

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40546

You deserved it

9401

Favorite

By textfail - United States

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31011

You deserved it

103863

Favorite

By Furry - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29214

You deserved it

3445

Favorite

By froulita - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend doesn't know if he should break up with me because he loves me too much, or to stay with me and make me suffer. I have no clue as to what's going on in his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44997

You deserved it

5210

Favorite

By dmsmcd - United States

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34919

You deserved it

3954

Favorite

By sleepy - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15891

You deserved it

29217

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47679

You deserved it

22148

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75862

You deserved it

11679

Favorite

By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1353

You deserved it

664

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18589

You deserved it

7275

Favorite

By bandfuckup

Today, my band was playing its first serious gig. I was in the middle of a solo when a drunk guy tackled me, causing me to crash into the drums, breaking them and my guitar, hitting our drummer, knocking him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5864

You deserved it

337

Favorite

By badatlove - United States

Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10860

You deserved it

982

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By rebelbelle | 17

#6232699 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:02

sounds like drunk you is pretty smart

By logic368 | 8

#6233170 - Sunday 15 March 2015 23:30

Your landlord is Jesus? Sounds like all you can do is pray...

COMMENTS

By rebelbelle | 17

#6232699 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:02

sounds like drunk you is pretty smart

By feven | 32

#6232706 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:06

Lol that's a difficult story to tell. "I broke into my own house."

By sstahpp | 33

#6232707 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:07

#2..think you need to read that again

By Dlzq | 22

#6232708 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Magnettik | 16

#6232713 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Dlzq | 22

#6232742 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:50

Nah nah, meth'll fuck you up. Funny thing is, people are instantly afraid of weed cause it's illegal. They don't know anything about it, just assume it's worse than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol.

gabagabaheyu | 10

#6232750 - Sunday 15 March 2015 13:03

With meth you'd be breaking into other people's homes instead of your own.

Laylette | 21

#6232753 - Sunday 15 March 2015 13:07

or you'd be breaking...

...bad.

jaymartino86 | 10

#6232771 - Sunday 15 March 2015 14:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Dlzq | 22

#6232809 - Sunday 15 March 2015 15:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Meettitan | 14

#6232904 - Sunday 15 March 2015 18:06

It's not decriminalized in FL possession is a crime here still (such a shame, really), and it's federally a "Schedule 1" narcotic with "no medicinal benefits whatsoever". I wish it was legal.