Today, I was so drunk that I forgot how to use the key to my...

By nomorealcoholeva - 14/3/2015 16:52 - Norway - Bod?

Today, I was so drunk that I forgot how to use the key to my front door. But I knew how to break a window, get into my locked basement, and unlock the basement door with my front door's key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25227

You deserved it

16984

Favorite

nomorealcoholeva tells us more :

Followup for asked questions! I found my phone, wallet and lipstick in the Mailbox. I am 97% sure i smashed the window with the heel of my shoes. And i live alone, so the only explaining i have to do is to my landlord, Jesus, i do not look forward to that. And yes. I am a 22year old girl. Boom

Miscellaneous

Extreme late fees

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Property law

By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - 13/7/2013 17:33 - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70165

You deserved it

4123

Favorite

By tylerlove361 - 11/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16022

You deserved it

33933

Favorite

By Titatoum - 17/1/2015 21:12 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32796

You deserved it

5742

Favorite

By reallydevonte - 1/8/2016 17:30 - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13730

You deserved it

1094

Favorite

By placard3 - 2/10/2019 20:02

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1828

You deserved it

132

Favorite

By hairybetty - 5/1/2010 01:43 - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26091

You deserved it

8477

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38451

You deserved it

7299

Favorite

By Fuck irony - 29/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3876

You deserved it

477

Favorite

By -1 Pair of Pants - 30/5/2016 19:49 - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10660

You deserved it

2642

Favorite

By LexiBoBexi - 12/7/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30539

You deserved it

8556

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 10:54 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31464

You deserved it

13783

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 13:04 - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63921

You deserved it

4172

Favorite

By theman - 21/5/2009 20:49

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76348

You deserved it

6836

Favorite

By sophiae123 - 18/1/2015 03:50 - United States - Cadillac

Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34313

You deserved it

5268

Favorite

By Seriously? - 15/5/2013 21:47 - United States - Irvine

Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50247

You deserved it

3440

Favorite

By that makes me a sad panda - 19/5/2014 21:44 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43750

You deserved it

4085

Favorite

By kash - 1/6/2015 18:14 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39334

You deserved it

3162

Favorite

By Ed - 5/12/2010 13:53 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29566

You deserved it

11033

Favorite

By homeless - 14/12/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30286

You deserved it

8834

Favorite

By livingstonjamie - 13/1/2015 08:28 - Australia - Hampton

Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33610

You deserved it

2424

Favorite

By ohdamn - 22/9/2009 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32633

You deserved it

6772

Favorite

By blindedbythelight - 1/9/2017 22:28 - United States - Orlando

Fashionably Late

Today, the pair of solar eclipse glasses I ordered weeks ago arrived. I'm sure they'll come in handy for 2024. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3082

You deserved it

329

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 05:00

There's an app for everything

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1326

You deserved it

612

Favorite

By Faxshadow - 7/1/2009 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in love with a girl who used to love me. She doesn't anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25547

You deserved it

19338

Favorite

By karma - 28/1/2009 18:36 - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54996

You deserved it

7425

Favorite

By Carly4244 - 30/8/2017 01:30

Today, I was the Maid of Honor at my friend's wedding. Months earlier, we had a bitter fight, but she picked out a beautiful dress for me and I thought we were past it. When I began speaking, the lights changed to a weird brightness and my friend snickered. My dress was completely see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6184

You deserved it

502

Favorite

By misc - 13/9/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50983

You deserved it

3457

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46882

You deserved it

3358

Favorite

By nice one - 30/8/2012 15:24

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36904

You deserved it

2974

Favorite

By XxMe123xx - 19/8/2010 00:51 - France

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39342

You deserved it

10889

Favorite

By secret - 11/3/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I found out the electric bill I have been paying was on my old house. I found this out when they shut off the power to my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15805

You deserved it

20177

Favorite

By bridetobe - 22/7/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51481

You deserved it

4819

Favorite

By liquorless - 5/11/2012 14:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25042

You deserved it

1916

Favorite

By introublenow - 18/9/2015 12:22 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16858

You deserved it

32812

Favorite

By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39632

You deserved it

11755

Favorite

By Strainer - 23/5/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28447

You deserved it

5960

Favorite

By TTR - 13/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12888

You deserved it

44524

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 17:49 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46997

You deserved it

3866

Favorite

By FriendsSuck - 6/7/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37860

You deserved it

5306

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25908

You deserved it

5998

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By rebelbelle | 17

#6232699 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:02

sounds like drunk you is pretty smart

By logic368 | 8

#6233170 - Sunday 15 March 2015 23:30

Your landlord is Jesus? Sounds like all you can do is pray...

COMMENTS

By rebelbelle | 17

#6232699 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:02

sounds like drunk you is pretty smart

By feven | 32

#6232706 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:06

Lol that's a difficult story to tell. "I broke into my own house."

By sstahpp | 33

#6232707 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:07

#2..think you need to read that again

By Dlzq | 22

#6232708 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Magnettik | 16

#6232713 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Dlzq | 22

#6232742 - Sunday 15 March 2015 12:50

Nah nah, meth'll fuck you up. Funny thing is, people are instantly afraid of weed cause it's illegal. They don't know anything about it, just assume it's worse than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol.

gabagabaheyu | 10

#6232750 - Sunday 15 March 2015 13:03

With meth you'd be breaking into other people's homes instead of your own.

Laylette | 21

#6232753 - Sunday 15 March 2015 13:07

or you'd be breaking...

...bad.

jaymartino86 | 10

#6232771 - Sunday 15 March 2015 14:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Dlzq | 22

#6232809 - Sunday 15 March 2015 15:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Meettitan | 14

#6232904 - Sunday 15 March 2015 18:06

It's not decriminalized in FL possession is a crime here still (such a shame, really), and it's federally a "Schedule 1" narcotic with "no medicinal benefits whatsoever". I wish it was legal.