Intimacy: Today, I was on an adult-orientated website when my mother entered...

By Deathrace - India

Today, I was on an adult-orientated website when my mother entered the room. I closed the webpage as fast as I could by clicking everywhere. I discovered later that, while panicking, I clicked on “share on Facebook”. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

No one likes a smart-ass

One law for me…

By Anonymous - Belgium - Ieper

No kinkshaming on FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my trash into what I thought was a garbage can. My co-workers stared at me like I had just pissed myself. It was a toy collection box for children in foster care. FML

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By Parental - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

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By NoBalls - United States

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

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By crazyhair docare

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, my mom said if I dont get straight A's in my classes this year, she'll get the school to hold me back until I do. I believe her. FML

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By disembob - United Kingdom

Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML

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By Benji - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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By ge fu yo twa

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By nd.11 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

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By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By cul8erqtpie20 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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By BlueSteele220 - United States - Coppell

Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

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By Scotty - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

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By stressedmom36 - United States - Tampa

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall with a couple of friends. While walking through the parking lot, we saw a very dirty car. You couldn't even see the inside of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." After doing so, the driver got out of the car. FML

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By Staying Home Today - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

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By ThatWasntFun - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

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By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By Awahso - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By single and not mingling - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

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32334

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By gunman - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous

Fight!

Today, I overheard my husband of 3 years talking to our boss, an attractive blonde. She was telling him that she couldn't believe he was with me. She thinks I'm fat and ugly and that he's hot. He said, "She's not that bad…" We work in the same store and she follows him around like a puppy. FML

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2017

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

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By MitchRapp - United States

Today, my brother asked me what I want for my birthday, so I said that we could just hang out. He told me I should ask for something more realistic, like a gift card. FML

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By myparentsarehoes - Canada

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered why the toilet seat is often sticky in the morning. My husband is too lazy to lift the seat, instead opting to pee all over it and sleepily wipe it down with loo paper if he notices a splash. He doesn't see why it's a problem since he 'cleans' it. FML

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By Kaji - France

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML

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By Rex - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

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By Kira - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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Top comments

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6697046 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:17

Well, that went from bad to worse fairly quickly.

By Idontevenknowwhattoput | 4

#6697049 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:18

"Oh my gosh guys I'm so sorry about that! Someone must have hacked my facebook!!! Don't worry though, I changed all of my passwords so it shouldn't happen again. Man, hackers these days..."

COMMENTS

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6697046 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:17

Well, that went from bad to worse fairly quickly.

By UltimateGamerQ8 | 11

#6697048 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:18

Can't you take the post down before anyone sees it?

catlady4eva | 9

#6697076 - Friday 30 September 2016 12:30

He can't guarantee that no one has seen it though. He also said he saw it later which is enough time to have had someone see it I would imagine

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6697264 - Friday 30 September 2016 20:06

#10: OP is a woman.

TelephoneChoir | 10

#6697332 - Friday 30 September 2016 23:17

Something similar happened to me. I deleted the post immediately and no more than two minutes later my mom stormed into my room, having received a particularly odd text from my dear old grandmother.

italiano234 | 7

#6697487 - Saturday 1 October 2016 5:00

if someone has you on close friends, they can still press the notification and see the deleted content. they just can't like or comment on it.

NomeDMF | 17

#6697509 - Saturday 1 October 2016 5:32

Family snitches are the best, huh?

By Idontevenknowwhattoput | 4

#6697049 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:18

"Oh my gosh guys I'm so sorry about that! Someone must have hacked my facebook!!! Don't worry though, I changed all of my passwords so it shouldn't happen again. Man, hackers these days..."

By PrototypeXD | 5

#6697053 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:24

Why do porn sites even have a share feature on them? There is no one I know that goes
Yes I would love to share with my friends and family that I watch "hot collage girls fucking compilation 4"

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6697063 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:44

"Hot Collage Girls" sounds like a wonderful art piece. Definitely something I'd share on Facebook.

gracehi | 31

#6697065 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:52

Let's share, "Sexy Paper Mache Girls" next. :)

Catdragon | 40

#6697136 - Friday 30 September 2016 15:30

I've shared porn with my friends and family..... it's mostly just the really weird ones to troll them

confused_wandere | 26

#6697240 - Friday 30 September 2016 19:35

You've sent porn to your family? That's incredibly strange.

By qteabutt | 12

#6697061 - Friday 30 September 2016 11:38

Theres a faint grey arrow to the top right of the content or status, click on it and you should have the option to delete it. Until then just claim you were hacked if anyone asks.

Shade1982 | 20

#6697279 - Friday 30 September 2016 20:52

Yeah, everybody already tries that and somehow it never works... Would you believe that excuse?

qteabutt | 12

#6697302 - Friday 30 September 2016 21:50

It usually works for anyone who isn't very familiar with the internet, though of course anyone who uses social media on a daily bases knows what's up. And no, but who am I to judge on what a guy jerks off to.

By Bogrbon | 21

#6697068 - Friday 30 September 2016 12:13

Alt-f4 is your friend. It's more subtle and faster.

DragonicPlague | 9

#6697227 - Friday 30 September 2016 19:10

Ctrl+W works too

AshesNicole623 | 17

#6697259 - Friday 30 September 2016 20:00

ctrl+t also works

SpartanMerc | 18

#6698733 - Monday 3 October 2016 21:08

Or open a page that is suitable (since having a blank desktop is suspicious) and just Alt-Tab to it to avoid someone catching you. When they leave, Alt-Tab back...