Miscellaneous: Today, I was feeling generous, so I made my roommate's favorite...

Thank you for the ever-wise insight, 64, as your input is always appreciated and never fucking annoying due to your Captain Obvious-esque remarks. She is indeed moving out, by the way.

Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Gimme dah maaahney

It's love

05/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 779

You deserved it 202

01/05/2019 14:00

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 646

You deserved it 597

02/02/2009 17:23

Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 655

You deserved it 10 407

22/05/2013 17:10

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 903

You deserved it 5 124

02/02/2011 21:07

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 998

You deserved it 3 108

13/03/2011 07:39

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 678

You deserved it 14 936

10/11/2009 15:59

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 553

You deserved it 10 402

19/08/2012 23:25

Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 532

You deserved it 1 986

29/06/2009 04:04

Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I'd had a quarter in my pocket. I find no change in my pocket once I get to the register, so I pull out my credit card. The cashier laughs a few seconds later. My card was declined for a piece of gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 215

You deserved it 15 483

08/04/2011 23:42

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 151

You deserved it 38 127

12/04/2015 17:00

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 068

You deserved it 7 628

19/07/2011 17:45

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 712

You deserved it 9 178

07/02/2016 06:11

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 638

You deserved it 1 634

30/01/2010 05:01

Today, the guy that I'm in love with and plan to marry some day told me he would choose a million dollars over me. I got upset and told him I no longer want to be with him. In an excited voice he said, "Really? So are you serious I don't have to worry about this love stuff anymore?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 171

You deserved it 9 124

11/02/2013 07:19

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 241

You deserved it 10 641

Thrashing

By bad sleeper - 19/05/2021 08:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he never wants to sleepover anymore. He said he loves me, but that sleeping next to me is like sleeping next to someone reenacting the crucifixion while being mauled to death by squirrels. So much for cuddling through the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 171

Countdown

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 05:01

Today, I broke my ankle trying to step over a pipe, but instead slipped and put all of my weight on my left ankle. I'm scheduled for surgery in 3 days, which will be my 1-month countdown to my due date. I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 141

16/09/2018 13:00

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 703

You deserved it 258

06/03/2013 11:51

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 4 968

Superstition

By OhGodWhy - 23/05/2020 08:00

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 123

24/12/2018 04:00

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 984

You deserved it 303

07/09/2018 22:00

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 307

You deserved it 212

06/09/2015 06:59

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 062

You deserved it 9 553

Strange terminology

By Not true - 18/07/2016 02:56

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 293

You deserved it 1 731

20/11/2010 15:46

Today, I took my driver's test. I was so nervous that I peed my pants halfway through the exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 085

You deserved it 17 196

10/03/2015 18:47

Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 083

You deserved it 3 214

17/07/2013 20:27

Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 038

You deserved it 24 175

09/09/2012 06:15

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 278

You deserved it 25 957

28/07/2009 19:41

Today, everyone at work commented on how much better my new haircut looked and how I should keep styling it this way as it's such an improvement over my old style. I was late for work this morning. My new hair style was Bed hair that I didn't have time to sort out... FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 715

You deserved it 8 020

04/12/2009 17:33

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 969

You deserved it 47 140

Free the Flow!

By Lunar-Spice - 23/10/2019 14:00

Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 164

28/10/2013 04:58

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I could love anything more than her, and if so, what. I guess "bacon" was the wrong answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 563

You deserved it 45 408

02/05/2016 04:21

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 108

You deserved it 1 775

21/12/2014 19:08

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 829

You deserved it 4 370

14/12/2009 23:46

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 604

You deserved it 38 185

09/12/2010 05:35

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 289

You deserved it 4 118

04/04/2014 17:26

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 20 285

18/03/2010 15:22

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 375

You deserved it 6 314

04/03/2010 18:52

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 338

You deserved it 2 822

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

By Bortenssen - 08/08/2019 10:05

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 1 383

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Top comments

heyitsvanessaa 9

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:10

Or start looking for a new roommate..

SApprentice 33

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:30

You supplied food, thereby raising your status in the pack. Feeling threatened, your alpha roommate has merely expressed her wish to reacertain her dominance by marking her territory- which includes you and all of your possessions. I suggest you puff yourself up as much as possible and maintain silent, steady eye contact with her. She may be stronger than you now, but if you seem threatening enough she won't want to fight you. Then, and only then, will you be able to live peacefully beside her within the confines of your lands.

Comments

heyitsvanessaa 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:10

Or start looking for a new roommate..

sirpantselot 22

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:35

I'd love to see a flatmate interview that starts with: "are you housebroken?"

tjv3 10

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Wednesday 27 February 2013 3:28

I would move out or kick her out

sniperkit 10

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Wednesday 27 February 2013 3:38

Thank you for the ever-wise insight, 64, as your input is always appreciated and never fucking annoying due to your Captain Obvious-esque remarks. She is indeed moving out, by the way.

5t3ff1k4h 44

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Saturday 2 March 2013 21:56

^ This. I wish I could give this a thumbs up.

anyoldnamewilldo 23

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Tuesday 12 March 2013 21:58

Me too

travinator90 9

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Saturday 20 April 2013 3:59

Hopefully a better roommate will soon arrive. All a matter of luck with who you get.

iLike2Teabag 27

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:11

She's marking her territory. You better start doing the same.

MyNameIsViet 15

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 14:58

That's your roommate's way of telling you: "Don't worry I'll only act like this for nine months"

mimiminx 23

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:12

Get in there first!

hama806 19

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 12:01

You mean out of there, right? That roommate sounds batshit crazy and OP needs to get out of there and find a new roomie.

Dead_Fox 17

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 10:12

Get her a doggie pee pad. With any luck this will solve your problem.

CareFace 16

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Tuesday 26 February 2013 13:30

Negative. Op should buy a rug and say she loves it, place it outside. Thus, sorting the problem. In all seriousness though, I'd be getting out of there in a second.