Kids: Today, I tried to give a four-year-old I was working with a high-five...

By band13geek

Today, I tried to give a four-year-old I was working with a high-five for finishing his math worksheet. He high-fived me with the pencil. And I don't mean the eraser side. FML

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band13geek tells us more :

OP here. The child was holding the pencil when I asked for the high five and *might* have not realized what he had done, but he isn't one to follow the rules, which I enforce more so than some of the other teachers, so he could have done it on purpose. I'm not really sure. All I know is that it hurt! But at least he should know now to not stab people.

Kids

Instadrama

Messed up

Social distancing gone wrong

By colorfulgina - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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By me - United States - Norman

Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

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By bob7654 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

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By Angry - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

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By ihatejasonderulo - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Careless Whisper

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

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By Anon E. Mouse - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Moment ruined

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

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By defectivesuperhero

Today, I couldn't get my car hood to open to check the fluids. A few miles down the highway, though, it popped right open. FML

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By kronic1990 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped over a "wet floor" sign at work and hit the floor hard. The floor wasn't even wet. FML

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By crosseyed - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

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By sucker - United States - Duluth

Alexa, play "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML

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By anoymus - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

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By e11ie - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my favorite drive-in burger joint for dinner. As I was nearing the end of my burger, I grabbed a cup from the cup holder that I thought was filled with soda. Instead, I got a mouthful of dip spit that a friend left in my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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By HauntLife

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By Mirorbo - United States

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

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By reallyson? - United States - South Hadley

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

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By tay - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

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By Nope - United States - Healdsburg

Today, I was at the market when a guy started telling the man I was with how "curly-haired women are an adventure," saying what he would do to a woman like me. He was talking to my father. FML

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By AGluckily - United States

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By dammitt - United States

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

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By wetqueefa - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By Katy

Today, I fell in a vent in our floor while decorating our Christmas tree. My husband removed the grates months ago to increase airflow. I fell in past my knee and he had to pull me out by the arms. It's been four days and I can still barely walk. My office is on a second floor... We don't have an elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

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By - United States - Los Angeles

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

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By nothisfault - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By Donny - United States

Today, severely tired and pulling an all-nighter, I was editing documents at work. Eventually the words blurred together and "which" began to look funny, so I corrected them. I realized too late that I'd turned in the company's brochure with every "which" spelt as "witch". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

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By gunnar

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By ;_;" - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By Badnewca - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

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By scottskidee - United States

Biker

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

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By dumbucksally

Today, my 30-year-old boyfriend of 4 years OD'd on his mental health medication, resulting in a trip to the hospital. He said the experience was eye-opening and he wants to be 100% honest with me. He then said he wants to have sex with his biological mother, who he finally met last year. FML

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Top comments

By band13geek | 16

#6726703 - Friday 23 December 2016 20:48

By band13geek | 16

#6726697 - Friday 23 December 2016 20:40

He was just holding it when I asked for the high five. I don't know if he forgot to put it down or if he just felt like stabbing me (which would make sense since he doesn't like me...)

COMMENTS

By caroline43872 | 24

#6724839 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:02

why's this in the intimacy category?

swervelol | 28

#6724841 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:07

Maybe he high-fived her with his other "pencil"

RichardPencil | 29

#6724842 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:08

Hey, I resemble that remark!

Jay18 | 22

#6724847 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:16

y'all need to get off my boi rich

Cali | 54

#6724863 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:41

#1- Fixed it!

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6724867 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:51

I still see it marked as "intimacy"...

gracehi | 31

#6724899 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 7:24

I'd say OP got pretty intimate with the pencil.

pjsr | 32

#6725113 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 20:13

Kids do result from intimacy

By TwinkleToes7 | 15

#6724840 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:06

This is a great pointer to avoid in the future!

By PencilTips | 19

#6724849 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:21

It's not the pencils fault, it's the person behind the pencil. Don't blame me for your misery, you'll survive OP.

By pjsr | 32

#6724860 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:34

Point well taken, OP!

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#6724862 - Tuesday 20 December 2016 5:37

Did he just like stab you with the pencil or did he puroosly put it between his fingers so that he can stab you while high fiving?

band13geek | 16

#6726697 - Friday 23 December 2016 20:40

He was just holding it when I asked for the high five. I don't know if he forgot to put it down or if he just felt like stabbing me (which would make sense since he doesn't like me...)