Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

Today, I was bombarded with pictures of my little sister's Christmas present. It was a huge engagement ring. I got broken up with in public on Christmas eve. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she'd bought for me. I said, joking, "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

Today, my girlfriend came home and announced that she'd just bought a $40 pair of flipflops. She then declared that I wouldn't be getting a birthday gift this year due to budget shortfalls. For hers a month prior, I'd got her a $300 piece of jewelry. FML

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

Old dog, new tricks

Today, for my mom's birthday, I couldn't figure out what to get her, so I just took some of her jewelry, wrapped it up, and re-gifted it. She recognized it instantly. FML