Today, I’m working in Germany. I told my German colleagues that... - FML

By nadj - 15/6/2012 09:02 - Germany

Today, I’m working in Germany. I told my German colleagues that the most beautiful ballet that I attended in my life was The Swan Lake, "der Schwanzsee". Except that swan in German is "Schwan" and not "Schwanz". For them, I’m now a big fan of the Penis Lake. FML

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Out of it

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Risky business

By twistedelegance - 19/7/2019 04:00

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

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By Catremorse - 1/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

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By Noname - 11/3/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

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By Leaving Early Fail - 12/1/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Keys, how do they work?

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

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By exchange - 17/12/2009 05:00 - Ireland

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

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By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

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By cheaters_should_die - 18/12/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By toritoratora - 26/11/2012 05:27 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML

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By lynnie - 23/10/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I had to come up with a reward system for getting my boyfriend to brush his teeth daily. He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2017 11:59 - United States - Manchester

A likely story...

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years wanted to break up because I was "kissing" another guy. That guy was 73 years old and dying of a heart-attack. I work as an Ambulance Technician and was performing CPR. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 06:45 - United States

Today, it's the third anniversary of when I started looking for a new job. I'm still working at the job that made me want to get a new one and I haven't even had an interview for another one in almost two years. My Master's degree on the wall is looking more and more like a roll of toilet paper. FML

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By lucasbeck99 - 31/3/2015 09:35 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

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By boned - 27/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - 28/8/2014 10:31 - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 13:51 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML

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By FlyingWhisps - 27/9/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, my grandparents came to visit. So far, they have called me fat, bragged about how my cousin is better than me, and told me how I'm not good enough for them. It's okay, though, they gave me a pretzel from the airline and a textbook on physics. In another language. FML

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By sick of this shit - 6/2/2016 05:04 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

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By Confusedblonde - 30/4/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

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By Fat Arsed Lass - 1/6/2014 10:28 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

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By idontevenlikehamsters - 8/4/2013 00:00 - United States - Manassas

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

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By welp24 - 28/10/2018 03:00

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

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By Meg - 15/7/2011 22:24 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

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By usmcpain - 23/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

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By Snowflakepandi - 1/9/2017 13:00

Sneaky sneaky...

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

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By Milly - 23/5/2018 05:00

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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By yourwifelovesme - 4/6/2019 12:00

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By zAstonish - 25/9/2015 15:03 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML

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By The Cat Tickler - 13/9/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 15:30

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By almost_a_pro - 23/4/2015 13:43 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

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By pop_rox - 30/1/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 07:19 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

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By notthesame - 18/8/2016 04:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

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By station - 5/5/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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By trbaby - 14/2/2017 15:00 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2016 14:09 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By lily_marleen - 17/5/2015 21:27 - Germany - Emskirchen

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

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By idonthavelice - 28/2/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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Top comments

By foxpug | 24

#6588360 - Monday 25 April 2016 18:56

Performing this weekend only, the Moscow Genitalia Ballet invites you to "Penis Lake" on Saturday, and "The Nutcracker" on Sunday.

By Emyka | 26

#6591129 - Thursday 28 April 2016 10:12

As an native german speaker I laughed very hard at this. FYL for that innocent but hilarious mistake.

COMMENTS

By foxpug | 24

#6588360 - Monday 25 April 2016 18:56

Performing this weekend only, the Moscow Genitalia Ballet invites you to "Penis Lake" on Saturday, and "The Nutcracker" on Sunday.

By Emyka | 26

#6591129 - Thursday 28 April 2016 10:12

As an native german speaker I laughed very hard at this. FYL for that innocent but hilarious mistake.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6591175 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:20

This is why other languages are hard. Think VERY carefully about word choices before speaking. I have made this same mistake several times with some of my non native languages.

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6591319 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:16

In Kick-Ass 2, when Jim Carrey yells "SCHWANZ!" his dog bites the bad guys' aforementioned appendage.

By sturschaedel | 27

#6591574 - Thursday 28 April 2016 20:09

German is my native language, so to avoid further misconceptions: "Schwanz" actually means "tail" like the tail of a cat or dog or other animal. But it is casually used as a slang word for penis, like you would use cock which is originally a male chicken.

By SiraSiemens | 21

#6609665 - Thursday 19 May 2016 15:54

as a german speaking person i have to say that is hilariously funny OP, sorry if it made you feel bad though^^