Animals: Today, I decided to hang my $200 cocktail dress outside for faster...

By Shanarie - United States

Today, I decided to hang my $200 cocktail dress outside for faster drying after hand washing it. I learned that it dries much faster when torn into several pieces, courtesy a stray dog that randomly appeared at my house. FML

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Shanarie tells us more :

OP here. I made an account just to respond to you guys! I live in the country, so I figured making a small clothes line for just my dress wouldn't be a problem.I guess it was just bad timing.The dog was an abandoned pet that was malnourished. Im a shelter volunteer, so we took him to a good home. :)

Animals

They're everywhere

Roommate from hell

The World won't Listen

By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

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By bilol - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'd be going on a trip to Europe. I assured him that I would never cheat on him with any European guys. He replied with, "Why would I be worried? You're not very pretty." FML

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By Ilostsomuch - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By pimplesapparently - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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By crudofalife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 01:08 - United States - Joplin

Mortified

Today, I bought my first ever vibrator after months of wanting one. Apparently, I bought a cheap product, because it broke and started going off by itself later. It shook my whole dresser while my best friend and I were in the room. I couldn't get it to shut off. FML

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By FML4evs - United States

Pete Townshend has a lot to answer for

Today, my little brother watched an old video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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By spiteful bitch - 25/7/2020 23:00

Surprise!

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

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By argh - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By Betrayed - United States

Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML

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By ouagadougou - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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By Karin - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 08:00

Hard shoulder

Today, the guy I’ve been trying to get over for the last month finally messaged me like I’ve been hoping for, only to cry that his new girlfriend cheated on him and to ask if I think he should forgive her, because he, "appreciates my honesty." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By 6xrv

Today, while at the mall, I was traveling up the escalator on my way to the food court. When I neared the top, the handrail severely shocked me, causing me to drop a bag of China I had just bought, which fell to the bottom of the escalator and shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I turned to face the cashier at the supermarket, I managed to knock over an entire display of gift cards with my backpack. FML

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By Flabbergasted - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

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By hendrix1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

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By goodmorning - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

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By River - Oranjestad

Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mom hobbies

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

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By CaddyWhack

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

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By Lea - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

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By Look's like she's paying all of it now.

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards and my monthly pay check was in that purse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

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By Anonymous

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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Top comments

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#6427798 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:43

Was it red? Flapping in the wind, like a matador flag?

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6428040 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 6:10

I have a dark sense of humor but that's a little much

COMMENTS

By The_Basileus | 9

#6427790 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:38

That really sucks.

davidpropert | 32

#6427802 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:45

There's a button for that, silly goose

MonstreBelle | 28

#6427843 - Monday 5 October 2015 23:27

3- Get your animals right. The_Basileus is clearly a silly cat, not a silly goose!

DraconicFeline | 31

#6427967 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 3:41

14: No, no--he's a grumpy cat, not a silly cat.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#6427798 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:43

Was it red? Flapping in the wind, like a matador flag?

juggalo2 | 15

#6427839 - Monday 5 October 2015 23:23

Dogs are color blind, and do not respond to red flags. Source: Encyclopedia Brown

vikky538 | 28

#6427840 - Monday 5 October 2015 23:23

Yes guessed it right

NomeDMF | 17

#6427858 - Monday 5 October 2015 23:59

Dogs can see several colors.

MonstreBelle | 28

#6427867 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 0:11

12- Dogs aren't colorblind in the sense that they see everything in black and white. They just can't see all of the colors that people are capable of seeing. Plus, the color of the dress wouldn't stop the dog from being able to see the movement of the it with the wind blowing

Ichiya | 29

#6428004 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 5:00

Bulls don't respond to red either. They attack because of the movement and the color is for show.

By pixierara | 28

#6427803 - Monday 5 October 2015 22:45

I hope you didn't need it anytime really soon. It's really terrible that $200 was just torn up by a stray but hopefully you can get another one.

klutz44 | 28

#6427949 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 2:37

Next time, Rent the Runway. $30 will get you a designer dress and you just mail it back after you wear it, no washing required.

Shanarie | 11

#6428022 - Tuesday 6 October 2015 5:42

I actually just used it for an event, so luckily that was out of the way. Next time around, I'll either rent one or send my new one to the dry cleaners. Lol. Or just hang it up inside.