mistletoe
Miami, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Same thing different taste
myusofwe
Caguas, Puerto Rico 🌶️ Spicy
Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff
Lewes, United Kingdom
Unfazed and dazed
Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff
London, United Kingdom
Out of my mind
Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML
keeks_25
This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff
Canada
What did you just say?
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff
Hopkinsville, United States
Limited edition prank
Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML
smyp
This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff
Lithuania
Miracles
Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML
Nublet
This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Effective
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML
hudd357mag
This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff
United States
Crossed wires
Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML
lax22
This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff
San Francisco, United States
Great, just great
Today, thirty minutes after the end of a great date with a great girl, she texted me, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML
starboi
This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff
Weaver, United States
You what now?
Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML
Top comments
hnz 13
That's when you say "Yo, can I kick your ass under the mistletoe"
Ambient25 25
Smack the shit out of him. I actually went to a bar before in DC and saw this pretty drunk guy try this on a girl: "Hey baby were your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special"... I burst out laughing
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Comments (85)
WingedLovely27 20
Mistle-NO!!
V688 12
This made my day , thank you for sharing hahaha
Sniper_Chick4110 20
One of my husbands mate's likes to use the line "Are you a ****?". If you are at a party and ask every woman in a crowded room odds are you'll find one. You'll also get slapped till your cheeks are raw by that other 98%
Sniper_Chick4110 20
I get on occasion the oh so classy "You wanna see my **** babe?"
snackswell37 4
So?! Did he?!
Nohman 14
That's even funnier with your avatar.
tukies 28
Did you kiss his dick with your foot?
ahh_rats 15
And it didn't work?
Zebediabolical 45
That's what you get for wearing a mistletoe belt buckle!
sanecatlady 13
Disgusting! That's sexual harassment and he needs to have something very icy poured down his pants. Whatever happened to just, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?".