Intimacy: Today, 5 years after the fact, I finally realized how dense I...

By CharlesEmersonW - Romania - Timisoara

Today, 5 years after the fact, I finally realized how dense I am for not understanding that when she undresses in front of you and poses naked, she isn't expecting you to be a gentleman and turn around and leave the room. It's haunting me. FML

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Intimacy

Right place, wrong person

Unimpressed

Narcissistic parents strike again

By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By DuckyKiller - United States

Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML

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By peeved - United States

Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

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By XxJennJennXxX - United States

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 20:01

Red flag

Today, I tried therapy to talk about my problems without feeling like i am harassing anyone. After messaging a therapist for over 2 hours, I felt way better and finally understood. It turned out I'm in such a bad mental state that I'm a danger to myself and others. Police were called by the therapist. FML

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By singlesummer - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 20:01

Wake up Boo!

Today, my work made us all get up at 3 a.m. to head to the airport for our 7 a.m. flight, only for us to get to the airport and find out the flight is cancelled. FML

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By whatrights - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

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By Ohnowhy

Awkward...

Today, I moved in with my friend and her husband so we can be roommates during school. Today is also the day they decided to get a divorce. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By bigdikbubls - 1/12/2020 05:58 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Naps are important

Today, I realised just how badly I procrastinate because I wanted to take a nap before going out for a friend's birthday, but I kept putting it off until I simply didn't have the time. FML

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By what people do for money - United States - Houston

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told a customer at the drive-thru I couldn't hear him as he had his music blaring too loud. The customer then drove to the window and verbally abused me for listening to my iPod at work. My "iPod" is the headset we use to take orders at the drive-thru. FML

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By shortarse - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

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By anouk05 - Switzerland

Too much Pornhub

Today, my boyfriend told me, "Don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By unhappystudent - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, after a long night of studying, my roommate and her friends decided it would be fun to throw a mini party in my room at 7am. FML

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By sociallyawkward - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

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By Jill - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

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By ZSL - United States

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to text the girl I've had a crush on to ask her on a date. I got back the reply, "Error message 3265: Number No Longer In Swrvice." Not only can she not spell, when I looked it up, "error 3265" doesn't even exist. FML

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By FamilySecret - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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By Waitingtomoveout

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

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By Samm Povich - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By John - United Kingdom

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

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By BrokeAndHungry - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I'm a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

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By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By oww - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

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By What an ass - 23/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Check this out!

Today, while using my phone camera as a mirror, I managed to broadcast a Facebook Live video of myself applying haemorrhoid cream to my asshole. FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7686516 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:58

It took you 5 years to realize that? Are you thick

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682689 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:40

At least you'll know what to do next time. You can finally progress in your still life art class.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682689 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:40

At least you'll know what to do next time. You can finally progress in your still life art class.

By arandomperson97 | 18

#7686510 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:33

... boi...

By real life problems | 26

#7686516 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:58

It took you 5 years to realize that? Are you thick

Bloo2555 | 22

#7686587 - Sunday 2 September 2018 7:26

That was what he said, yes.

By Victoria Juan | 5

#7686519 - Sunday 2 September 2018 2:10

Oh honey....

By xxWTFxx1981 | 21

#7686524 - Sunday 2 September 2018 2:24

bro I messed up the same way seriously she was in lingerie but said minutes before she wasn't looking for a relationship... yeah I know duh friend with benefits i was really young..

By RichardPencil | 30

#7686540 - Sunday 2 September 2018 3:48

She didn’t leave you after the first time?

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#7686573 - Sunday 2 September 2018 6:43

What else did you need? Runway landing lights?

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7686579 - Sunday 2 September 2018 7:09

Well OP, there is a small chance you were right. For example, I’d come home to my now exwife dressed in lingerie. But she’d have no interest in sex. Than again she did leave me for another man. Wait..... am I dense? Ah Damn it!

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7686592 - Sunday 2 September 2018 7:49

Ichika, is that you?

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7686615 - Sunday 2 September 2018 8:46

One time a female friend told me that she wanted to share my bed instead of staying in the guest room. Then she said that she was cold. I went to grab more blankets. A year later she did the same thing and this time I made a move. That night was amazing.