Today, 5 years after the fact, I finally realized how dense I...

By CharlesEmersonW - 2/9/2018 02:30 - Romania - Timisoara

Today, 5 years after the fact, I finally realized how dense I am for not understanding that when she undresses in front of you and poses naked, she isn't expecting you to be a gentleman and turn around and leave the room. It's haunting me. FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Big baby man

Creepy

By merchgirl - 14/11/2016 10:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - 14/3/2016 04:32 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By TheHeirofTime - 15/8/2016 15:11 - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

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By DrunkenValor - 6/9/2009 04:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By jcesom - 1/8/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By The V Sal - 13/2/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I was helping supervise a 5 year old's birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide and seek with them. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner and yelled "Found you!" He peed his pants. FML

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By JSF1234 - 11/5/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By isabellam0426 - 2/11/2016 02:55

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

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By lbg2msf - 6/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Biloxi

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

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By 4fucksake - 18/7/2010 23:26 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

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By backfat - 18/5/2018 01:44

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

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By clublulu - 10/4/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

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By phonnah - 20/6/2012 17:59 - United States - Bowie

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

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By Lea - 16/3/2010 13:31 - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

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By anonymous - 25/2/2016 21:55 - United States

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

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By Jon - 2/4/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

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By nola2005 - 1/10/2019 00:01

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

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By Garcia2284 - 13/9/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2012 22:00 - United States - Waterford

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

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By Powerless111 - 15/10/2019 20:00

Freedom of speech

Today, I got yelled at for 30 minutes while on a date for using the word "bitch." I used it to describe my friend's wife, who will also yell at you for 30 minutes for using a word she doesn't like. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2010 10:36 - United States

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

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By aawkward... - 9/12/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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By 12MONTHLEASE - 22/4/2016 00:30 - United States

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

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By smarie09 - 6/3/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By makeyourselfathome - 17/9/2014 12:18 - Australia - Richmond

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

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By Ugh - 22/8/2017 23:15

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 14:53 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years drunkenly introduced me to another very special lady. His wife. FML

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By louie - 31/1/2012 20:17 - United States

Today, I went to see a doctor about some of the memory problems I've been having. After the appointment, I could barely remember a thing he told me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2015 10:05 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

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By Biggest Jerk - 14/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 05:15 - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

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By Username - 23/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 16:11 - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

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By Max - 9/4/2014 18:32 - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2013 19:47 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

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By MC - 14/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By sarahmoon - 5/5/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

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By enjoy - 13/10/2008 08:30

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7686516 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:58

It took you 5 years to realize that? Are you thick

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682689 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:40

At least you'll know what to do next time. You can finally progress in your still life art class.

Comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682689 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:40

At least you'll know what to do next time. You can finally progress in your still life art class.

By arandomperson97 | 18

#7686510 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:33

... boi...

By real life problems | 26

#7686516 - Sunday 2 September 2018 1:58

It took you 5 years to realize that? Are you thick

Bloo2555 | 22

#7686587 - Sunday 2 September 2018 7:26

That was what he said, yes.

By Victoria Juan | 5

#7686519 - Sunday 2 September 2018 2:10

Oh honey....

By xxWTFxx1981 | 21

#7686524 - Sunday 2 September 2018 2:24

bro I messed up the same way seriously she was in lingerie but said minutes before she wasn't looking for a relationship... yeah I know duh friend with benefits i was really young..

By RichardPencil | 28

#7686540 - Sunday 2 September 2018 3:48

She didn’t leave you after the first time?

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#7686573 - Sunday 2 September 2018 6:43

What else did you need? Runway landing lights?

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7686579 - Sunday 2 September 2018 7:09

Well OP, there is a small chance you were right. For example, I’d come home to my now exwife dressed in lingerie. But she’d have no interest in sex. Than again she did leave me for another man. Wait..... am I dense? Ah Damn it!

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7686592 - Sunday 2 September 2018 7:49

Ichika, is that you?

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7686615 - Sunday 2 September 2018 8:46

One time a female friend told me that she wanted to share my bed instead of staying in the guest room. Then she said that she was cold. I went to grab more blankets. A year later she did the same thing and this time I made a move. That night was amazing.