Take Your Vitamins

Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML

Fear factor

DINOSAURS!!

Hello everyone!

By Rodrigeuz26 - 22/1/2010 07:26 - United States

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Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

By Numbass123 - 4/5/2014 17:17 - United States - Las Vegas

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Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

By lizard - 18/12/2010 05:56 - United States

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Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

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Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

By lady parts - 27/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Lake Bluff

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Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

By arsenic660 - 30/7/2009 03:17 - United States

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Today, a few friends and I ran through sprinklers at our school until we were all soaked. Then we were told that they put fertilizer in the water. I'm soaked in manure. Now I know why it tasted weird. FML

By noraidk - 26/5/2010 18:35 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML

By rastafarimon - 17/4/2011 05:56 - United States

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Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 16:16 - United States - Winston Salem

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Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 10:57 - Denmark

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Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 13:47 - United States - Costa Mesa

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Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

By thatisnotcool45 - 9/12/2011 05:22 - Canada

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Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 15:51 - Japan

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Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

By Screamingfirecracker - 15/8/2016 04:12 - Canada

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Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

By disgusteddaughter - 13/6/2011 08:58 - Australia

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Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

By maggierose171 - 19/5/2012 15:08 - United States - Rosendale

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Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My Boss' daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

By Homeless - 14/7/2009 02:16 - United States

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Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

By Phil - 28/5/2012 21:17 - Canada

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Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

By 0867142 - 27/2/2010 00:39 - Canada

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Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

By Anonymous - 6/9/2017 07:00 - United States - Eugene

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Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:29 - United States

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Today, I dropped my wedding ring on the carpet. Just as I was about to pick it up, my Roomba sucked it up. FML

By JamesFuckingBond - 23/12/2016 21:05 - United States - Burlington

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Today, I was at Wal-Mart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man comes up to me and said "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

By yeahhhhhommmie - 18/9/2011 09:20 - United States

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Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

By kingwalrus - 12/6/2010 18:55 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 17:42 - United States

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Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

By Allen - 26/5/2009 05:12 - United States

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Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

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Today, after being admitted to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, my boyfriend shouted out in front of my parents, "At least she isn't pregnant!" FML

By letmedienow - 11/10/2011 17:43 - United States

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Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 05:01 - United States

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Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

By Weightlosshereicome - 8/8/2016 10:06 - United States - Oxford

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Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

By shartface12 - 6/6/2014 22:01 - United States - San Jose

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Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

By SAM - 5/8/2018 09:00 - United States

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Today, I found out a guy I work with has an eye twitch. I thought he was just a winker. I have been winking back all week. He either thinks I'm an asshole or am trying to seduce him. FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 14:38 - United States

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Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

By sparkrok - 6/3/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

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Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

By lol - 25/1/2012 15:54 - Canada

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Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

By TheoBuckner - 21/1/2010 03:31 - United States

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Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

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Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 06:00

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Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

By sadmama - 23/2/2018 15:00

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