Take Your Vitamins

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

Vulture

Hard no

EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

By Ouchmybum

2495

217

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

By CARnage - Australia

11343

23607

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

By missmolliss - United States - Norfolk

28077

3358

Today, I went to the movies with my best friend. While waiting for it to start, I went on to describe this guy I really liked and how badly I wanted to do him. Just then the girl sitting behind us leans down and says "That's my little brother. So you're the creeper he talks about." FML

By HouseMdFangirl - United States

17721

58186

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

By jalisc512 - United States - Aurora

42353

5484

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Darlington

22379

2701

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

By FuckYou - United States - Santa Maria

8634

53890

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

By Anonymous

4684

586

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

11228

963

Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

By joyful-not - United States

34627

3198

Today, I refused to manually count $64 in pennies from a customer, because I would hold up the line and I was one of three registers open. In fact, I advised her to use the Coinstar machine in the lobby. She refused, threw a fit and demanded my manager for being “incompetent”. I was fired. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 11:01

Unfair

1635

305

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

By NathanPlays - United States

32022

20186

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

23157

2104

Today, I have to get a thyroid ultrasound. I'm a 25 year-old cancer survivor; it took amputating my left leg to beat the last one. My doctor has dealt with my hypochondria for years, long enough to know his face when I should be worried. FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 23:04

Poker Face

1230

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

53660

3967

Today, my boyfriend of three years who I helped through drug rehab and find employment in my office left me for someone else. His explanation was that now that his "head is not clouded with chemicals" and he "makes decent money", he wants to settle down with someone worthy of him. FML

By dracer - United States

40820

3949

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

By fucking fratricidal - Canada - Bedford

24408

1947

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

By Furry - United Kingdom

29223

3446

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

By mental - United States

25541

6025

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

By Anonymous

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

1319

485

Today, I told my 8 year old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she is ugly. FML

By loserwithlice - United States

54826

6270

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

32983

4177

Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML

By Danou - France

32060

58542

Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

By Lickmylovepump - United States

20363

35392

Today, I was sitting on my younger sister's bed while I was on my phone. She came in the room and pushed me off the bed, and I ended up slicing the skin under my eye. Now, my parents are forcing me to pay for the injury for "hanging off the bed". FML

By 282

2638

307

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

By notsogood - United States

Snoozefest

47425

19332

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

By rog3rli - United States

23955

12660

Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML

By juwkgo - United States

33978

5571

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

By crazy mother in law

45970

4993

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

By Username - United States

39838

4674

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

By missingno007 - United States - Clarkesville

3300

341

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

By Noname - United States

20573

6618

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

11383

21305

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

By SadMom

8618

1661

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Bored

31269

7228

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Union City

44508

3730

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

27528

43319

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

39906

5376

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

By people suck - United States - Oakland

32292

2504

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - United Kingdom - London

24705

1455