Take Your Vitamins

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

Family values

Boozehound alert

Workaholic

By frustrated - 13/1/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

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Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML

By bdjsbskl - 7/10/2011 05:55 - Canada

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Today, I went to my favorite burger joint. Upon taking the first bite of my burger, I dislocated my jaw. The employees had to call 911. FML

By cherknobil - 7/7/2019 00:00

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Today, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She'd actually started dating another man a few months ago, but she wanted to drag our marriage out as long as possible just in case her new relationship fell through. FML

By mj - 5/6/2011 20:20 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

By motherlover - 5/8/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

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Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

By Helpful Smile - 26/1/2016 02:56 - United States - Bettendorf

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Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

By Goatczar - 29/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Orem

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Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

By Angus - 17/9/2015 19:48 - France

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Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

By oops - 19/8/2013 16:00 - United States - Omaha

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Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Qu?bec

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Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

By yeaokay - 29/10/2010 05:22 - United States

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Today, I received my soccer team jacket that I ordered a month ago. Trying to save money, I'd selected the "no name" option to avoid an extra $20 embroidering fee. My jacket now has "NO NAME" spelled out on the side of it, and I was charged the extra $20 dollars after all. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2012 05:01 - Canada

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Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

By Lara - 8/1/2016 11:28 - Germany - Bremen

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Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML

By december2009 - 4/1/2010 03:41 - United States

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Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

We're all that one person

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Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

By Jeweler - 26/6/2009 06:13 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2016 14:50 - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

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Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

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Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 08:00 - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

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Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

By Karmas3itch - 12/5/2009 04:19 - United States

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Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 06:25 - Japan - Tokyo

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Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

By Cary - 26/12/2011 06:17 - United States

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Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

By caempa - 29/12/2011 18:13 - Australia

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Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 18:58 - United States - San Marcos

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Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

By highleyj - 1/4/2009 08:16 - United States

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Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 03:27 - United States

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Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

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Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

By sorejecteditmakesmewannacry - 29/8/2013 10:44 - France - Poissy

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Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

By unwanted - 24/12/2011 02:24 - United States

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Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

By anonymous - 30/6/2010 04:05 - United States

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Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 04:39 - United States - Cleveland

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Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

By anonymous - 7/4/2010 04:21 - United States

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Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:24 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got my period. Last week, I fell out of a window and landed between my legs on a bush; I have massive swelling down there, and stitches over the ripped flesh. Now I'm bleeding out my period on top of the lingering wounds down there. It hurts even to pee, let alone menstruate. FML

By stitchesupmyass - 1/11/2011 21:50 - United States

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Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

By EnglishLearner - 9/11/2012 16:23 - Switzerland - Mannedorf

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Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

By deaddoggy - 2/3/2016 20:46 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

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Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2014 20:23 - United States - Manhattan

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Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML

By Sally19863 - 30/8/2010 16:18 - South Africa

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Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 05:00

Am I even here?

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Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 23:31 - United States - Iowa City

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