Take Your Vitamins

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

Social distancing gone wrong

Workaholic

Public transport FTW

By Anonymous - United States - Vista

35757

5711

Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

By ptarr12345 - United States - Lancaster

27044

6697

Today, I had a job interview. I was asked what my dream job would be. I blurted out, "The president, because I think it's a very cool and important job." I don't think I'm getting this one. FML

By good job brain - United States - San Francisco

19586

5056

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

By slukaa - United States

54599

3250

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

By mikej1985 - Canada

17424

70111

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28439

5390

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37659

3254

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

By Momo8612

3605

287

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

18884

6108

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

By SpaceAstronaut - United States

30688

5204

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

By fedUPwithPEOPLE - United States - Enterprise

45371

3206

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

By crub - United States

61200

2308

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Slippery Rock

42417

4236

Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

By Not-so-good-gymnast - Australia

11713

79867

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

By Jon - United States

15138

78995

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

By Nik - United States

32544

2638

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

By Noname - United States

36947

61110

Today, I asked my grandmother what she looked like when she was young. She casually replied, "I was ugly, sweetie. Just like you." FML

By Anonymous - Philippines - Quezon City

44206

4453

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26808

2774

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

By artdegreemyass - United States - West Palm Beach

26539

3098

Today, I discovered that my very recent ex-fiancé tried to bang his sister-in-law several times while we were still together. The best part? She’s my son's teacher and she waited until we'd broken up to tell me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 23:00

Family values

2311

258

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

By Anon - United States

35117

3406

Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send my mom to the spa for Mother's Day. We put the printed sheet with her info into a little box with our card on top. When she opened it, she freaked out and started hugging my dad. Turns out he switched the cards and took all the credit. FML

By lachaisse - United States - Vinton

63053

4111

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

By patient_mom - Australia - Surrey Hills

26958

3940

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

By not eyelid - Spain - Manresa

10020

5451

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

By Me - United States - Canyon Lake

8844

1182

Today, out of partying reflex, I downed Communion wine like a vodka shot. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Palmdale

25472

49208

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

By Heethersays - United States

40290

7616

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

By WeightAMinute - United States

52652

6277

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

By Person in Alaska with a Ferret - United States

30848

4677

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

47336

6065

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

By patronuscat?

Meow!

3523

1033

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - United States - Enfield

70183

4129

Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Woodside

Dazed and Confused

6227

481

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

By Dumped - United States

31988

11627

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

By Anonymous

Weirdly specific

1594

137

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

By hannah - United Kingdom

27769

4129

Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML

By umyuck - United States - Norfolk

32400

2483

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

By Nekro_Kat - United States

34707

3882

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

By Anonomous - Canada - Whitby

28100

2637