Playground Oops

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

Sorry…

The smell detective is on the case

Delusional

By secret - United States - Ashford

39657

2214

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

By Anonymous - United States

50635

5554

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

By radiant - United States

24911

4229

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

By anon - United Kingdom

37723

2265

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 02:00

Live dumping

880

1862

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

By 3Airwalk3 - Canada

Dishwasher issues

7965

36039

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

By Bento - United States

43156

3828

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

By BigBlue - United States - Seattle

42103

5589

Today, I was working from home alone while my wife was at her office. I decided that instead of having a healthy lunch at home, I would walk to the fast food place a block over. I didn't realise that my fitness tracker would automatically log this as "Exercise (walk)." My wife clicked "Like" underneath. FML

By Carl - 8/12/2020 12:02 - Australia - Abbotsford

Fake it til you make it

318

807

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

38577

2878

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

By Itchy Missy - United States - Denver

40212

5649

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

By married life - Canada - Coquitlam

47455

5826

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

By catcraze - United States - Denver

42829

6709

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

By PookaKay02 - United States

29946

8589

Today, I walked in on my nineteen-year-old stepson masturbating into a pair of my panties. His excuse? He thought they belonged to my 17-year-old daughter. FML

By JeezAndAges

4542

424

Today, I took my 8 month-old to the Urgent Care due to extreme constipation. I spent $25 for my son to poop on me the second the doctor had me remove his diaper. FML

By CrappyLuck - United States

29743

4235

Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML

By /(•'_'•)\ - United States - Ballwin

56766

3813

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

By nzkristy - New Zealand

30864

2260

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

By obsequiousfannyflapper - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

32028

2969

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

29276

2294

Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

4125

418

Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

By Cian_1 - United Kingdom - Herne Bay

18278

6523

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

By WonderWall09 - United States

84656

4768

Today, I posted on my Facebook wall that I'd gotten into a huge bar fight and had the shit kicked out of me, all to avoid having to tell the truth, namely that I'd stayed home all night because nobody invited me out to party. FML

By lonely - United States

10024

34378

Today, my husband and I had our first prenatal appointment. My doctor told us we shouldn't have sex during the first trimester, "just to be safe". He has no evidence to back this, but now my husband is too scared to touch me. FML

By 2.5-long-months - Canada - Edmonton

18165

1606

Today, I was on a job trial at the local pet shop and, naturally, was doing all the disgusting jobs. As I was cleaning the kittens' litter in the cat enclosure, someone thought it would be funny to lock me in there. I sat in a giant cage in the middle of the store with people laughing at me. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

32373

3085

Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29733

3309

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

By Raset24

14610

1059

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

By CP19JK12KH - United States

38837

3992

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

27908

2594

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

By "cowboy_gold "

Don't ignore neighbor

1658

413

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

By amidreaming?? - United Kingdom - Bushey

30375

3838

Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML

By Aryah - United States - Irving

7231

788

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

By Matt - United States

34314

8516

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

By CodeJunky - United States

18561

4885

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

By Someone - Canada - Windsor

38961

5790

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

By Academia - United Kingdom

35612

2973

Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML

By gasbrain - 5/9/2020 20:06

Buyer's market

1197

172

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

By grossgross - United States

51452

5506