Playground Oops

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

Understandable

Dangling modifier

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By Tiana - 9/1/2012 01:51 - United States

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Today, I noticed a young child wandering out onto a busy street. I managed to grab his arm just as he stepped off the sidewalk and yank him away from almost certain death. My reward was his mother, who was on her cell phone the whole time, screaming at me for touching her child. FML

By Anonymous - 31/8/2011 17:06 - Canada

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Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew back next to her. FML

By NoPainNoGain - 5/6/2009 05:03 - United States

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Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 02:20 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 09:59 - Russian Federation - Lipetsk

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Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

By marisa - 5/1/2013 00:31 - Ireland - Carlow

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Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

By Talis - 12/1/2016 13:24 - United States - Eureka

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Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML

By Username - 25/10/2010 11:03 - France

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Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

By walkingonsunshine - 22/1/2010 00:14 - France

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Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

By cathouse - 26/3/2011 19:27 - United Kingdom

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Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

By Tagged - 13/9/2009 02:35 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/1/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

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Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

By girlw/ablog - 2/7/2019 11:00 - United States - Austin

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Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

By dasbooot - 30/4/2009 04:53 - United States

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Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

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Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

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Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML

By thenegatives - 9/10/2014 01:12 - United States - Mckeesport

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Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

By blumaster04 - 22/12/2009 22:53 - United States

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Today, I was at the dentist. I ended up having some work done and left with a numb mouth. I have school pictures in less than 2 hours and I can neither smile nor stop drooling everywhere. FML

By soccer_bball - 14/10/2013 19:32 - United States - Frisco

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Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

By happysingleone - 20/12/2016 07:37

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Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

By MarMar - 15/3/2009 20:47 - United States

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Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

By snakeboy - 24/8/2009 04:49 - Australia

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Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

By addie - 3/3/2013 08:27 - United States

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Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

By Lickmebaby - 12/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Enfield

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Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 19:29 - United States - Greeley

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 15:30 - United States

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Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

By Sgt_Jackrum - 5/2/2016 10:27 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

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Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

By stillhungry - 27/6/2015 18:37 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

By --- - 6/7/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

By - 29/12/2020 18:00

Parents love

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Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw I had 2 kids she wanted to know why I bothered since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2018 18:30

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Today, my husband stood me up for his birthday dinner, that I'd made, in our house. FML

By horribleday - 20/6/2017 09:00 - United States - Ozark

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Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML

By - 6/1/2017 06:54

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Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

By Bubbah - 15/3/2009 04:32 - United States

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Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 11:54 - Sweden

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Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:56 - United Kingdom

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Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

By rowie1311 - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

By Weedle - 4/6/2019 20:00

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