By not a cancerous pimple - United States - Chester Springs

Panic

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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This Charming Man

Running commentary

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a new laptop for Christmas. The picture on the box showed a woman balancing it on one finger to show how light it was, so I tried it myself. I dropped my laptop, breaking the hard drive and putting a massive crack down the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

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By PCop - United States

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

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By Phil - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 20:00

Your cooking, dude

Today, I made popcorn shrimp. My dog was being a whiner so I gave her one of the shrimp. I guess she didn't like it because she hopped right back up and spat it out on my plate. FML

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By foreveravirgin - United States - New Orleans

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

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By udnrizh - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

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By Nalya - France

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Foot in mouth #366

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

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By TabbyCat87

Cursed lake

Today, our boat broke down in the middle of a lake at sunset. We called our friend for help, and his truck and trailer got stuck in mud at the boat ramp. We called the sheriff's office to tow his vehicle out of the mud. The tow strap broke. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Bagenalstown

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date idiots, but it's like I have a big old shithead-attracting magnet attached to me or something. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

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By whoneedsloveanyway - 21/6/2020 02:01

Swindler's List

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

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By superdrinkingbud - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

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By lovinglife - United Kingdom

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

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By annoying - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

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By AshleyP - United Kingdom

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

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By Tired - United States

Today, I got home from work to find the door locked and dead bolted, so I used my cell to call the home phone while banging on the door. My stepmom came out of her room, looked right at me, laughed, and went back to bed. This is the fifth time she's done this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I called my mom for the first time in a few weeks, just to chat because I miss her. When she picked up, the first thing she said was, "Why are you calling? What's wrong? Do you have swine flu??" When I told her that I didn't, and I just wanted to chat, she hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

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By HipstrCharizard - 7/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Nobleboro

Double trouble

Today, I found out I might have Covid due to my manager's roommate getting it by being irresponsible. Two days ago, I found out I may have hep A from getting takeout at a restaurant. FML

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By thanks, my fellow americans - United States - Woodlyn

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

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By erinbarto

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

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By MonsieurH - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

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By Ahsan - Pakistan - Multan

Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally said, "Bye, love you," to a co-worker as I clocked out. Before I made it home, I had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me. FML

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By jack

Today, I asked my new girlfriend if she was feeling alright, since she is on her period for the first time since we started dating. I got an empty cereal bowl thrown at my head. Question asked and answered. FML

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By What’sGoingOn

Awkward...

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

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By lonelyandcold - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

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By astalkerindeed - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By again? - United States - Olympia

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, I noticed that instead of looking at me, he was admiring himself in the mirror. FML

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By Elis - United States

Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

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By Taylor Easley - United States

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

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Top comments

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6188784 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:24

My diagnosis: Web MD induced hypochondria.

By rhysfucker | 24

#6188788 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

(Red Foreman voice)
Dumbass.

COMMENTS

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6188784 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:24

My diagnosis: Web MD induced hypochondria.

Reply

timakinz | 21

#6188810 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:36

That moment when you're not sure whether your hypochondria is real or Web MD deluded you into thinking so.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6188839 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:06

That moment when you realize that saying "that moment when" makes no sense and is just plain annoying.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6188885 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:09

Of all the annoying overused things people say on fml (shitty situation/plot twist etc.) "that moment when" is not that bad.

Reply

Riku714 | 25

#6189041 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:04

that moment when nobody thinks your comment is funny

Reply

Sandman366 | 6

#6189725 - Sunday 1 February 2015 23:19

Yeah, pretty much the prime example of why not to self diagnose. Especially if you can't tell the difference between cancer and a pimple.

By Notore | 32

#6188785 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:25

Well that sucks

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6188898 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:30

Sounds like something that could be said about any FML.

By MisterGasMoney | 16

#6188787 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

Lesson learned?

By rhysfucker | 24

#6188788 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

(Red Foreman voice)
Dumbass.

Reply

1337X_Gloves | 6

#6195165 - Saturday 7 February 2015 5:41

this made my day

By deathhill3 | 40

#6188789 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

Never trust the internet to give even a slightly accurate diagnosis of a medical condition.

By meli1195 | 31

#6188790 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:27

you really shouldn't believe all you read on the Internet OP.

Reply

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6188793 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:28

Now OP might have trouble believing you.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6188843 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:07

It is written on the Internet, though

By thejokingguy13 | 12

#6188791 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:27

So dumb I couldn't even come up with a decent smartness comment

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6188800 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:30

I can no longer trust you with scissors you'll hurt yourself

By feven | 32

#6188802 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:31

I don't blame you. I get really paranoid after I read the results for any symptom I type into google. I guess the Internet just has that effect. *types in stuffy nose, result: I'm dying in two days

By TomeDr | 21

#6188812 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:38

It's called Googleitis.

Reply

Kira1965 | 23

#6188976 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:02

Or Dumbassitis!