By not a cancerous pimple - United States - Chester Springs

Panic

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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Pay up

Priorities

Left behind

By manlyman - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

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By Anonymous

Jedi mind trick

Today, my stepdad punched me in the face after I told him I hated him. He and my mom came in 10 minutes later to try to convince me that I'd made it up in my head that he'd punched me. My face was still red. FML

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By snapped - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By jshsnan - United States - San Francisco

Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who had a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn the condom?" FML

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By EwwEwwEww - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

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By brokenrelicslost - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

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By Jack.mercado - United States

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

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By SKuser - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

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By Chefinblack - Australia

Today, at my prestigious sous chef job, I was preparing to plate up expensive entrees for a function of 150 people. After arriving to work 2 hours early to finalize finishing touches, they call the restaurant 5 minutes before their booking stating, 'We can't be bothered anymore, sorry.' FML

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By yashmoshin1 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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By minder97 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

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By alex - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

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By 90 up I-95 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

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By lonesomegal - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

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By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

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By Satan's Mum - United Kingdom - London

Today, to teach my 14-year-old son a serious lesson for bullying a child at school again, I grounded him for the rest of the year. He just snorted and said, "Cool, I'll just jack off all year then! Thanks, mum!" and happily retreated to his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By Auston - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macon

Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

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By Gore - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

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By Hunterxx - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

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By she won't see a therapist - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was babysitting, and after the kids fell asleep I started hiding the Easter candy. They woke up when I was half-done, and it didn't take them long to figure out what was going on. They won't stop crying, and every time I go near them, they scream "LIAR!" FML

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By istillcannotbreathe

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By Sittinginthecorner - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

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By epicfail - United States

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to sneak out. As I was climbing out of my 3rd floor window, he got a text and moved the ladder. Now I'm in the hospital with two broken ribs. FML

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By caroline - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

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By Jane - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Mansplaning #2764

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

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By robbedonCTA - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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By omfgnooo - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By Wade - United States

Today, I was sitting under a tree at a park. The dirt felt a little damp, so I assumed it was dew from the night. A homeless man walks over and asks me to move, then starts to pee under the tree, followed by another man. I was sitting in their bathroom. FML

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By LordAdam - Australia

Today, I accidentally left my concession card in the photocopier. I then got fined for not having a concession card on the train. I was photocopying it for a letter to get out of a fine for not having a concession card. FML

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By "breemonster"

Today, I got an email notification. I opened up my email, and found m4m craigslist add responses. My boyfriend used my phone to login to his email yesterday. FML

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By 282

Today, I was sitting on my younger sister's bed while I was on my phone. She came in the room and pushed me off the bed, and I ended up slicing the skin under my eye. Now, my parents are forcing me to pay for the injury for "hanging off the bed". FML

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Top comments

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6188784 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:24

My diagnosis: Web MD induced hypochondria.

By rhysfucker | 24

#6188788 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

(Red Foreman voice)
Dumbass.

COMMENTS

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6188784 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:24

My diagnosis: Web MD induced hypochondria.

Reply

timakinz | 21

#6188810 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:36

That moment when you're not sure whether your hypochondria is real or Web MD deluded you into thinking so.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6188839 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:06

That moment when you realize that saying "that moment when" makes no sense and is just plain annoying.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6188885 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:09

Of all the annoying overused things people say on fml (shitty situation/plot twist etc.) "that moment when" is not that bad.

Reply

Riku714 | 25

#6189041 - Sunday 1 February 2015 1:04

that moment when nobody thinks your comment is funny

Reply

Sandman366 | 6

#6189725 - Sunday 1 February 2015 23:19

Yeah, pretty much the prime example of why not to self diagnose. Especially if you can't tell the difference between cancer and a pimple.

By Notore | 32

#6188785 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:25

Well that sucks

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6188898 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:30

Sounds like something that could be said about any FML.

By MisterGasMoney | 16

#6188787 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

Lesson learned?

By rhysfucker | 24

#6188788 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

(Red Foreman voice)
Dumbass.

Reply

1337X_Gloves | 6

#6195165 - Saturday 7 February 2015 5:41

this made my day

By deathhill3 | 40

#6188789 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:26

Never trust the internet to give even a slightly accurate diagnosis of a medical condition.

By meli1195 | 31

#6188790 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:27

you really shouldn't believe all you read on the Internet OP.

Reply

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6188793 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:28

Now OP might have trouble believing you.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6188843 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:07

It is written on the Internet, though

By thejokingguy13 | 12

#6188791 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:27

So dumb I couldn't even come up with a decent smartness comment

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6188800 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:30

I can no longer trust you with scissors you'll hurt yourself

By feven | 32

#6188802 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:31

I don't blame you. I get really paranoid after I read the results for any symptom I type into google. I guess the Internet just has that effect. *types in stuffy nose, result: I'm dying in two days

By TomeDr | 21

#6188812 - Saturday 31 January 2015 19:38

It's called Googleitis.

Reply

Kira1965 | 23

#6188976 - Sunday 1 February 2015 0:02

Or Dumbassitis!