By wide awake - 31/7/2020 14:01

Noise

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1293

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

Family values

Mother of the year

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43604

You deserved it

5268

Tweet

Share

By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27829

You deserved it

8997

Tweet

Share

By Shiet - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9787

You deserved it

21603

Tweet

Share

By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40797

You deserved it

3514

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27984

You deserved it

1877

Tweet

Share

By Epiphany - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36998

You deserved it

3012

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24877

You deserved it

2712

Tweet

Share

By jacobianscum - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27435

You deserved it

1619

Tweet

Share

By drugdealersgf

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10043

You deserved it

1104

Tweet

Share

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

946

You deserved it

188

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52203

You deserved it

9338

Tweet

Share

By heresmybellybotton - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54802

You deserved it

3650

Tweet

Share

By Mallory - United States

Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33739

You deserved it

3945

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - China - Chengdu

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4634

You deserved it

7117

Tweet

Share

By shawty_x - United Kingdom

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

87062

You deserved it

4887

Tweet

Share

By maddie! - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34472

You deserved it

13282

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

90029

You deserved it

185198

Tweet

Share

By ShouldBeSingleSoon - United States - Lincoln

Today, my boyfriend, who moved in about a month ago, decided he wanted to move back out. Why? Because I don't keep my place clean enough for him. This, coming from the same man who refuses to wash or clean anything because "that's what women are for." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41151

You deserved it

10110

Tweet

Share

By faeliality - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9936

You deserved it

1398

Tweet

Share

By RestlessDiesel - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23973

You deserved it

1821

Tweet

Share

By Xerfox - Germany - L?wenstein

Today, I found out the German I've been learning for nearly a month is a dialect only spoken by people in a small area of the country. This means I'll need to re-learn most of what I thought I knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13280

You deserved it

1921

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14525

You deserved it

43479

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11254

You deserved it

1459

Tweet

Share

By mandosfriend - United States - Pomona

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11094

You deserved it

670

Tweet

Share

By Justkillme

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3571

You deserved it

406

Tweet

Share

By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43263

You deserved it

13793

Tweet

Share

By imamomma - United States

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20156

You deserved it

26811

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36173

You deserved it

2903

Tweet

Share

By jalisc512 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42338

You deserved it

5481

Tweet

Share

By good husband - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43748

You deserved it

4598

Tweet

Share

By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34474

You deserved it

3184

Tweet

Share

By aviators - United States

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

I agree, your life sucks

99182

You deserved it

29736

Tweet

Share

By hamburglar - United States - Irving

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10484

You deserved it

8415

Tweet

Share

By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24679

You deserved it

1996

Tweet

Share

By --- - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25500

You deserved it

12828

Tweet

Share

By Kathleen Verhaegen

Pale AF

Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1199

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By noway6000 - United States

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9547

You deserved it

94549

Tweet

Share

By Amy - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24915

You deserved it

5220

Tweet

Share

By soccer8goalie - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40195

You deserved it

4570

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22164

You deserved it

2130

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7927218 - Friday 31 July 2020 15:05

Earplugs, son. Or, if there's space outside, a tent.

By Perry85 | 42

#7927416 - Saturday 1 August 2020 11:27

I'm curious as to why it's worded, "My kids and their mother" and not "My kids and wife/girlfriend"....

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7927218 - Friday 31 July 2020 15:05

Earplugs, son. Or, if there's space outside, a tent.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7927249 - Friday 31 July 2020 16:51

At least you're get some work done on your similes.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7927345 - Friday 31 July 2020 23:38

sleep in your vehicle.

By Perry85 | 42

#7927416 - Saturday 1 August 2020 11:27

I'm curious as to why it's worded, "My kids and their mother" and not "My kids and wife/girlfriend"....

By akvan | 8

#7927554 - Sunday 2 August 2020 1:28

Lol when I was little amd had a nightmare i used to go sleep on my parents bed (the dog used to sleep there too) and the 3 of them snored like bears but I was too scared to go back to my bed so I had to deal with. I feel your pain