By wide awake - 31/7/2020 14:01

Noise

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1277

You deserved it

173

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Caught red-handed

Understanding

By anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29528

You deserved it

1818

Tweet

Share

By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25005

You deserved it

45972

Tweet

Share

By vampire - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34274

You deserved it

3546

Tweet

Share

By epicvixen - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17737

You deserved it

27160

Tweet

Share

By GDubeau24 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45959

You deserved it

2845

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25391

You deserved it

2360

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45394

You deserved it

4544

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and immediately went to the window as it was supposed to snow today. I saw a man walking his dog and he waved at me. I waved back enthusiastically and realised I was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11083

You deserved it

31702

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39272

You deserved it

4069

Tweet

Share

By Moanie - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79176

You deserved it

29419

Tweet

Share

By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37612

You deserved it

5317

Tweet

Share

By Extended_desktop - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15521

You deserved it

65647

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44534

You deserved it

8901

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30590

You deserved it

3097

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23453

You deserved it

4585

Tweet

Share

By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37542

You deserved it

13106

Tweet

Share

By theropod - United States

Today, at 2 in the morning, a noisy work crew started up in the parking lot next to my apartment. What were they doing at that ungodly hour? Installing a light that now shines right into my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32475

You deserved it

2045

Tweet

Share

By tomedicalforlove

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13085

You deserved it

41714

Tweet

Share

By notexactly - Sweden

Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered "Well, she is masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31902

You deserved it

3284

Tweet

Share

By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23492

You deserved it

2317

Tweet

Share

By Jason199615 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41233

You deserved it

2701

Tweet

Share

By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1645

You deserved it

164

Tweet

Share

By iamlauraheremecry - United States

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30877

You deserved it

8440

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26045

You deserved it

2856

Tweet

Share

By veggiedude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38606

You deserved it

6584

Tweet

Share

By cpiro - 27/5/2020 05:00

Live from the chopper

Today, my friend borrowed my car and decided to get pulled over after a high speed chase. My car got towed in a town over 100 miles away. Choose your friends wisely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1427

You deserved it

290

Tweet

Share

By clingmaster - United States

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42692

You deserved it

4644

Tweet

Share

By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33942

You deserved it

3323

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30241

You deserved it

1991

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5591

You deserved it

646

Tweet

Share

By buttuglyforeveralone :( - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49391

You deserved it

3478

Tweet

Share

By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22961

You deserved it

5451

Tweet

Share

By michael - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7176

You deserved it

41825

Tweet

Share

By S3XY_SiNG3R - 11/4/2020 02:00

Confinement, episode 3774

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

733

You deserved it

1925

Tweet

Share

By fatgirl4 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53947

You deserved it

6491

Tweet

Share

By Cow lover - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15085

You deserved it

2327

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55641

You deserved it

4674

Tweet

Share

By Twinner - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50039

You deserved it

4672

Tweet

Share

By Yeah - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33076

You deserved it

17717

Tweet

Share

By maxiflouf - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23719

You deserved it

2903

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7927218 - Friday 31 July 2020 15:05

Earplugs, son. Or, if there's space outside, a tent.

By Perry85 | 42

#7927416 - Saturday 1 August 2020 11:27

I'm curious as to why it's worded, "My kids and their mother" and not "My kids and wife/girlfriend"....

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7927218 - Friday 31 July 2020 15:05

Earplugs, son. Or, if there's space outside, a tent.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7927249 - Friday 31 July 2020 16:51

At least you're get some work done on your similes.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7927345 - Friday 31 July 2020 23:38

sleep in your vehicle.

By Perry85 | 42

#7927416 - Saturday 1 August 2020 11:27

I'm curious as to why it's worded, "My kids and their mother" and not "My kids and wife/girlfriend"....

By akvan | 7

#7927554 - Sunday 2 August 2020 1:28

Lol when I was little amd had a nightmare i used to go sleep on my parents bed (the dog used to sleep there too) and the 3 of them snored like bears but I was too scared to go back to my bed so I had to deal with. I feel your pain