Nobody wants to dance with me

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

Videos

Goodbye Bill

Ghosted

Fairytale ending

By Krit - 10/2/2010 15:10 - United States

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Today, the boy I have crush on at school announced that his family were moving to Australia. My friend thought that it would be funny to spread a rumour that I was moving too, in order to follow him. Everyone has heard it, and unfortunately everyone believes it, including him. FML

By FirmlyInEngland - 17/9/2009 09:23 - United Kingdom

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Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

By secretmisery05 - 25/5/2020 17:00

Oh, hello there!

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622

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - Newark

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Today, I told my girlfriend she was beautiful. She replied, "Lit." FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 06:15

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Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

By anon - 2/5/2011 10:58 - United States

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Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

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Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

By Renesmeekuhnell - 28/2/2010 16:00 - Denmark

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Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML

By Anonymous - 29/10/2011 07:43 - United States

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Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

By Sean - 7/9/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

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Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

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Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

By coolchicka05 - 6/10/2009 08:28 - United States

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Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

By I guess not - 2/8/2016 13:24

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Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

By Asirual - 2/5/2011 18:02 - United States

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Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

By Santa - 25/12/2014 03:01 - United States - Cocoa

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Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 22:00 - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

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Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

By Anonymous - 8/7/2015 20:50 - United States - Saddle River

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Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2011 10:40 - Australia

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Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 14:18 - Canada

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Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 10:02 - Australia

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Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 11:26 - United States

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Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

By constipated - 3/6/2017 02:00

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Today, I was testing out my new webcam on an msn Video Call with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. In an attempt to look cool, I pretended to have a very interesting phone conversation. Later I found out my webcam has a mic. She "heard" the whole thing. FML

By loser - 20/7/2009 22:39 - Canada

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Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

By FML - 11/7/2016 21:16 - United States - Pine Bush

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Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my "stupid fucking prank". FML

By qhorin halflung - 22/7/2015 17:35

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Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2013 18:53 - United Kingdom - Congleton

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Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 20:06 - United States

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Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

By lexibabe - 3/3/2009 00:36 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

By scammerssuck - 11/8/2012 09:13 - Ireland - Dublin

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Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML

By why... - 5/6/2012 17:21 - United States - East Orange

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Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

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Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

By CrazzY88s - 6/6/2010 16:00 - Ireland

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Today, I was jogging when a woman ran out of her house and handed me an invitation for a party. What was the invitation for? A weight loss treatment party. Guess the jogging isn't working. FML

By jogger - 27/11/2011 05:30 - United States

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Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 08:45 - Canada - Richmond

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Today, while on the tram with my friend, we ended up discussing religion. When we started talking about God, some guy asked us, in a serious tone, to "stop talking about me" because it was really starting to bother him. FML

By DieuEstUnHomme - 3/2/2016 15:44 - France - Reims

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Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

By englishtrio - 18/4/2009 06:45 - United States

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Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 16:28 - United States - Portland

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Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!". Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML

By mariokarter - 28/8/2009 04:41 - United Kingdom

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