Nobody wants to dance with me

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

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By Username - United States

41091

7924

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

By Anonymous

31697

3508

Today, it's my birthday but I had to go to work. I catch the train and I am forced to sit next to this weird smelly dude who jumps off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumps on so I shuffle over so she can sit down with ease. Upon exiting the train i notice my pants are wet with smelly dude's piss. FML

By fr1day - Australia

29940

2233

Today, I went into the tanning room at work, where the lady in there last had decided the trash can was a toilet and pooped in it. Before she sat, she took the time to wrap the edges in paper towels, I guess in case anyone else had done this before her. I had to clean it up. FML

By Cultus

3504

177

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30511

3551

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

By JLoRd - United States

33751

4004

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

By H8TR - United States

16552

53859

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26864

5633

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

By wdunn69733 - United States - Macon

86103

10084

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

By Cat - 2/12/2020 08:06

Always call first

585

374

Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML

By embarrassed - United States

31460

3841

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

By Paige - United States

14174

52096

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

By xHoho - United States - West Fargo

45189

8646

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

13337

1674

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

By FamilySecret - United States

58655

4788

Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out I asked him about it. He replied. "Don't worry babe, she is perfect and way too good for me". FML

By Kittykatkrunch - Australia

39626

3040

Today, I got a laptop for my birthday. I was thrilled until I realized that my mom had given away my old one without asking. 6 years of games, music, and pictures down the drain. FML

By Hi-Tech - Europe

36330

2730

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

By Shamdog48 - United States

34736

3715

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

By pist off

Classy.

4904

282

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

By NeoDepressed - Czech Republic

2117

593

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands

25119

3138

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

By RDS

1702

601

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

By John Brown

3601

160

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

By Anonymous

4088

319

Today, I sat in the train and the old lady sitting next to me stares at my face. I ask her if she is ok and she starts yelling "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?". The entire train trip went like this. FML

By LDF - France

24974

1915

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

By anti-peecleaner - United States

33313

5186

Today, I had an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned "anti-cards", or cards for unusual or bad occasions. My girlfriend decided to make a "break-up" card, and I helped her write the poem inside it. After class, she gave it to me. FML

By UnluckyArtist - United States

46128

6436

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

By love_today - Canada

51190

7106

Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML

By Stressed Seamstress - United States - Charlotte

3248

753

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

By itsjustwill - United States - Puyallup

36003

2138

Today, my friend and I went boating. In the middle of the lake, we decided to jump in. We put our valuables in the boat and jumped in. When I tried to get back in the boat, it flipped over, and our cellphones, along with my car keys, are at the bottom of the lake. FML

By p-man - United States

16077

57090

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

25051

1800

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

By clkoko - United States - Buffalo

21361

5521

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

By Lola - France

27410

18836

Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard them talking about how glad they were that their plan to break us up worked so well. I don't think I should ask for advice anymore. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36421

2640

Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

5737

269

Today, after moving house, changing my number, my email, and beginning legal action to get away from a girl who was stalking me, I decided to go to the movies to relax. As soon as I got in my seat, that same girl walked into the nearly empty theatre. She sat next to me. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

41623

3146

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

By LustyDragon

2865

1197

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

By full bladder - United States - Valrico

28836

2343

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

By devakii - United States

35138

2283