Nobody wants to dance with me

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

Videos

Serious times

BO Central

Cute trick, asshole

By lol smiley face - United States

32741

10393

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

51755

28096

Today, it was my two-and-a-half year anniversary with my girlfriend, a small but noble occasion. She surprised me with an invention of hers, a plate of triple-chocolate double-mint cookies topped with Andes mints. I surprised her by crashing her new Mustang into a cement divider. FML

By Anonymous - United States

19032

51127

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

By ishyboo - United States - Baraboo

15256

28703

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

By shitlicker - United States - La Verne

21111

2121

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

38501

3030

Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

By deadbunnies - United States

47857

9148

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

By Anonymous - United States

32800

5878

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

1208

134

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

By Anonymous - United States

32792

3036

Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

By insomniac x2 - Mexico - Garza Garc

47608

8427

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

By Getmeoutofhere - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

4260

1044

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

By theblackrose23 - United States - Lansing

48014

2824

Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

By gabess - France

18834

10422

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

By WellOops

1608

9308

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

By Depressed - 14/7/2020 20:01

All for nothing

1625

302

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

By GnatEater

Kinky.

2759

762

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 20:07

A saint

1495

184

Today, I was rear-ended by a girl barely out of her teens. I got out of my car and went to get her insurance details, only for her mother to get out and up in my face, screaming at me to, "Get back in your fucking car and get the fuck out of here!" I panicked and did just that. FML

By Benjamin - Canada

16118

38494

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

By danny

2696

607

Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML

By AlyCo55

2699

679

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

By goodmorning - United States - Nashville

40619

4430

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

42542

2173

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

By Not true - United States

15246

1717

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

By agnosticstudy - United States

11881

27669

Today, my mother talked shit about me to the cat while I was in the room. FML

By whymomwhy - United States - Salem

27264

2866

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thetford

37409

2532

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

By ToothHurtyAM

4114

828

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

By lolwut - United States - Albany

48102

18070

Today, I met a guy in a bar. He was sweet and funny so I asked him out for coffee later. He quickly turned me down, saying that I didn't even meet his first requirement. His first requirement was "looks like a girl." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

37283

4390

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

By Anonymous

5784

354

Today, I found a bug in my bra. Not a huge deal, so I flicked him out. Turns out he was a black blister beetle. I woke to at 3 a.m. to insane pain, as well as the water blisters all over my boobs. FML

By Becks - 7/9/2020 23:01

The spirit of John Lennon

1473

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

By Kristin - United States

34461

3883

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

By Mug - United Kingdom

28621

2134

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

By musicyman55 - United States

36556

3037

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

By Anonymous - United States - La Crosse

27527

3910

Today, my brother is about to move to a new house, all because last week I played a prank on him. I made him believe that I crashed my car and had to sell his things to pay for the damage. He's no longer talking to me, or acknowledging me as a sibling anymore. FML

By Punk'd - 3/4/2021 08:00

Overreaction club

206

1800

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

By ;_;" - Lebanon - Beirut

45786

10543

Today, our airplane was delayed because of issues with the de-ice-ing. Then, because it had too little fuel. Then, because of engine troubles. Then, because our first officer needed to be replaced due to legal restrictions on pilots' hours. Now, I get to go straight from the plane to work. FML

By JSterl - United States

28756

2330

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

By storksleuth - United States

34815

5548