2019, here I come!

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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Honesty is the best policy

Don't shoot the messenger

Vultures

By left, I guess - 12/4/2015 17:00 - Canada - Antigonish

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Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML

By jzone32 - 14/10/2009 05:45 - Canada

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Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

By thatwas10yearsago - 28/9/2012 02:41 - United States - Reston

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Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

By Darryl - 12/5/2015 12:53 - Australia - Tarragindi

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Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

By TheLibrarian - 27/10/2018 05:00

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Today, after discovering that our son is already sexually active, I asked my husband to have a talk with him. "Remember, son, it's all about the clit", wasn't what I had in mind. FML

By Anonymous - 8/6/2013 10:34 - United States - Bessemer

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Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

By whorica139 - 2/9/2009 00:59 - United States

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Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 04:22 - United States

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Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

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Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

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Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

By Skier - 29/1/2010 02:01 - Canada

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Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

By chloeleigholivia - 10/1/2016 19:55 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

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Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 20:06

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

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Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML

By brokeforever - 18/3/2015 22:23 - Latvia - Riga

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Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

By Mr. Shawzy - 15/1/2009 11:43 - Canada

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Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

By WakeUpToADream - 25/9/2015 20:43 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

By Nanda - 14/6/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

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Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

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Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

By guess28 - 14/7/2009 18:19 - Puerto Rico

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Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

By iVaughtTV - 28/2/2012 22:44 - United States

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Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

By roommateprobssss:( - 11/12/2012 15:57 - United States

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Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

By Grandzilla - 9/9/2016 04:10 - France - Ablancourt

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Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

By Anonymous - 16/10/2009 20:56 - United States

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Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

By Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis - 7/8/2015 02:55 - Australia - Ashfield

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Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

By Grand Slam - 10/9/2013 18:44 - Belgium - Leuven

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Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

By The captain - 21/8/2011 23:09 - Canada

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Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

By bruised - 19/5/2016 20:54 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, is the 6 month anniversary of my boyfriend and I. Turns out next month he will be celebrating the 3 year anniversary of him and his wife. FML

By Beanzbeanz - 9/7/2011 15:19 - Canada

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Today, I spontaneously poured my heart out for my boyfriend, telling him how much I love and adore him. He answered by leaning in close, saying "Jolly good" in an affected accent, and burping loud and clear in my ear. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 20:12 - United Kingdom - Bristol

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Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

By blackcat37 - 28/9/2013 10:53 - United States - Independence

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Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

By Talis - 12/1/2016 13:24 - United States - Eureka

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Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:33 - United States

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Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

By RosesAreRed - 15/2/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

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Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2019 16:00

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Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

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Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2009 12:29 - United States

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Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

By Masonlee89 - 21/11/2009 03:59 - United States

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Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

By Anonycock - 6/1/2016 17:15 - Qatar - Doha

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Today, I opened my heart to my father-in-law, telling him how he was a very good example for us and how his name would be great for our first born son, he interrupted, saying, "Cut the cheesy crap, now." FML

By Anonymous - 3/12/2013 00:56 - Mexico - Distrito Federal

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Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 23:46 - United States - Cary

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