Moving Walkway Fail

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

Thanks, I'm cured!

All for nothing

Trip Advisor says no

By Anonymous - 17/8/2015 22:46 - Canada - Kingston

30293

2051

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 00:47 - United States

81463

3429

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

By Tired Girlfriend - 14/6/2017 22:00

3767

457

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

By too slow - 18/1/2012 05:09 - United States

36085

9713

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

By ithinkimturningjapanese - 6/8/2015 08:33 - United States - Apo

24659

1997

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

By scared to leave the house - 20/8/2012 09:14 - Canada - Williams Lake

28999

2355

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

By cutiecuppiecakez - 29/2/2016 21:04 - United States - San Francisco

19886

2978

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

By Username - 24/12/2010 23:49 - United States

15926

27188

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

By EggHead - 3/5/2014 04:57 - Canada - Toronto

27259

36324

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 18:34 - United States - Metairie

7553

34094

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2015 16:34 - United States - Brooklyn

27899

2821

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

By presente13 - 17/5/2013 04:35 - United States

45758

3820

Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!". I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a midget, she was standing up. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 20:05 - United States

39190

14390

Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML

By fatface - 13/4/2009 04:05 - United States

58023

3750

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

By idated a moron - 10/6/2019 16:07

2540

261

Today, the two and a half hours it took our poorly air conditioned taxi to go 20 miles in stop-and-go traffic was highlighted by our son projectile vomiting all over my wife, a suitcase, and the car. It ended with me having to pay both for the ride, as well as for cleaning the inside of the taxi. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 20:23 - Russian Federation

41236

3189

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 16:08 - United States

30824

2034

Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking "Baby". FML

By my ears are dying - 22/6/2011 18:37 - United States

39341

5303

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

By chattyloz - 7/2/2013 12:31 - United Kingdom

13789

39639

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

By Wtf is wrong with her - 30/12/2013 05:20 - Canada - Toronto

33771

3731

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

By bethanygirl - 29/10/2011 19:46 - United States

32611

5022

Today, I had an hour long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 07:00 - United States

29437

2062

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Apopka

34925

6987

Today, I was on the internet playing a game. I have a speech impediment, and the guy running it told me to get off his server for making fun of disabled people. FML

By Wow - 5/7/2014 05:37 - United States - San Francisco

50999

4213

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

By Manly Sneeze - 7/7/2016 11:34

12997

1516

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

By Slowsky - 9/5/2012 10:19 - United States - Claremont

22459

5540

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

5491

1819

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

By EmbarrassedBather - 9/6/2019 00:00

1860

309

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 00:26 - United States

38889

4683

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship after he told me he loved me. FML

By unknown relationship - 28/6/2013 05:23 - United States - Shorewood

47289

3131

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 17:55 - United States

14264

55947

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances". FML

By NeedMoreFriends - 3/7/2015 10:30 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

28807

2347

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

By What a happy day - 14/1/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

52417

3760

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

36661

6079

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

By Damn - 6/5/2012 13:53 - Australia

43133

4233

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

By Cora - 16/9/2011 14:10 - United States

31671

9045

Today, while I was telling a friend she needs to be more careful about getting hurt, I dislocated and sprained my thumb. She then laughed at me and said, "Yes, I will." FML

By WolfsScar - 8/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Lincoln

Be careful, please!

1386

469

Today, a guy I've liked for a while asked if he could talk to me during break. He'd never done that before, so I was excited and said yes. As soon as we both sat down, he asked if I'd help him get a date with my best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 21:18 - Argentina

33486

3275

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2015 20:52 - United States - Carlsbad

30072

3014

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Carlisle

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