Moving Walkway Fail

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

There's no helping some people

And today, on Dr Phil…

Phone call anxiety

By trev - United States

38060

28890

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

By innocent

5335

316

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

By oD_Ronan - United States - Olympia

41211

4501

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

By daniel55 - United Kingdom - London

39285

5847

Today, my debate partner repeatedly said "You mad, bro?" to the opposing team in our college debate class. That debate was worth a considerable portion of our grade. FML

By gonnafail - United States - York

45622

3267

Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML

By Anonymous

3762

1103

Today, I received a three-time forwarded message which I thought would turn out to be a random chain message. Turns out my boyfriend didn't want to send me the "break-up text" himself and figured it would get to me eventually after sending it to all my best friends. FML

By Kalaina - France

37430

2505

Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML

By Anonymous - United States

7992

82507

Today, I finished an exam in physics class. It counts for 40% of our grade. As I handed my paper in to my teacher, she said to the whole class while talking about me, "You did this wrong; this isn't how you do it." FML

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 23:03 - France

Shut down

757

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

By heeeeeyitsbrittney

1485

294

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

56388

6918

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - Huddinge

27837

3094

Today, I got so angry at losing in FIFA, I punched a hole in my wall and strained my back and neck doing it. Now I have to lie down on my back because it's too painful to move. FML

By Anonymous

1709

8855

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

By don't cry over spilled milk - United States - Elmendorf Afb

11129

1407

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

40705

2722

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Humble

26156

11040

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

By Joe - United States

54286

4126

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

By Anonymous - Germany - Nuremberg

11523

38375

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

By Juanna - United States

33575

4496

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

By Ignored - United Kingdom

39413

12192

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

By UnicornPancake

3408

379

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

By MeanMother - United States - Saint Louis

7935

90937

Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML

By triplenipple - Sweden

43738

4536

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

By SorryUncleTommy - United States - Brooklyn

29177

7037

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

By PsychoBoulevard - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

4141

1112

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

By loser - United States

11463

67467

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

By Anonymous - United States

8649

62400

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

By Anonymous

3956

667

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

By Anonymous

2575

889

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

By Not Again!

1611

319

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad walked in to talk. He said I'm not the son he'd hoped for, and that he'd been let down as a father. He said I should change the way I am so that he could love me more. It was the longest conversation I've had with my dad in years. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

1995

132

Today, my roommate asked for my opinion of her new painting. The same painting I hand-painted for over ten hours. She apparently thought it was a gift. She won't give it back. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Diana

42023

3460

Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML

By Anonymous

1438

409

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

By Shouldaknown - United States

31076

8366

Today, I had to sneeze really bad in a restaurant. To avoid sneezing on everybody's food, I turned my head to the side and sneezed, it just so happens a waitress was there serving a table. My nose went straight into her ass. FML

By Embarrassed - United States

32352

6046

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

By rachlette - United States - Seattle

33406

2787

Today, my girl sent me a naked booty pic, telling me not to be late home. When I got home, she was in dirty old sweatpants, too upset for sex because her celebrity crush died. Not in real life, in one of the TV shows she's watching. FML

By Alex - 15/12/2020 13:58

Booty non-call

1129

166

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

By ImNotFat - New Zealand

31827

3262

Today, my parents "suggested" I help them move house. I didn't realize that meant I would be carrying every stick of furniture out of their house. The muscles in my arms are so tight now that I can't straighten them. I can't wait to help them unpack tomorrow. FML

By Pain - United States - Andover

13152

1693

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

By Lil_bit - France

7711

44308