By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 17:00

Leave me alone

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

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1260

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Understandable

Dangling modifier

Where are you?

By fuck - United States

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

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27756

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By iHateWorms - Australia

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

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11477

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By Hungry - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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455

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2003

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29679

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By cAPITOLpORN - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, my grandmother ripped her pants. We all got a big view of her pink thong. FML

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26154

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23453

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By Rebecca - Australia - Dural

Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13233

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By Anonymous - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46318

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By :-O

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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1964

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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11787

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By Bl6122 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

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9065

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By kanenakid - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

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32879

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18207

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By ShanghaiSam - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

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6073

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By Emptyspace - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

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67494

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By MGDS - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

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41097

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML

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24615

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By youmindyourownbusiness - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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38111

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By Kortnie Peterman

Today, my boyfriend and I found out my Nuva ring comes out quite easily, especially when he manages to hook it around the tip of his dick. FML

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3145

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By Carolina R-h

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

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1430

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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39538

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Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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4977

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By ColdFoot - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41044

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

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42209

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By pissed girlfriend - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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47844

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By Dom - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22079

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By look before you speak - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

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46544

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By Anonymous

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

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1060

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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38745

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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12281

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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29937

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By stpdaziandude - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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75758

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By Noname - United States

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

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25177

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By wait..what - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

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51552

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By pandora - Israel - Palmahim

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

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28439

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By knickedleg - France

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

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17349

You deserved it

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By Brittanyy_leigh - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7927449 - Saturday 1 August 2020 17:18

That sucks.

Literally!

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7927533 - Saturday 1 August 2020 23:53

Does that really matter?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7927449 - Saturday 1 August 2020 17:18

That sucks.

Literally!

By bloopaloop | 27

#7927490 - Saturday 1 August 2020 20:49

Are you dressed like a ho and shaking your ass while you vacuum?

Sagar Nair | 11

#7927533 - Saturday 1 August 2020 23:53

Does that really matter?

RichardPencil | 28

#7927803 - Sunday 2 August 2020 19:21

To me it does!

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7927543 - Sunday 2 August 2020 0:37

Don’t hoover the doormat. You might hurt your toes.

By DoctorPALO | 8

#7927587 - Sunday 2 August 2020 4:32

Do you not care about your grandma? Is she really that much of a burden? If so, she certainly doesn't deserve the likes of you. I hope you're not living in HER house and being this ungrateful.

By Yudith | 20

#7927743 - Sunday 2 August 2020 15:20

Your house must be spotless!