Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML
Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML
Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML
Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat to take him to the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML
Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML
Today, I was on a train, sitting next to an old man who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he sneezed without putting his hands over his nose. Instead of turning towards the window, he turned towards me. FML
Today, I learned how birds feel when they fly into windows. I should be getting the hospital bill for my broken nose in the mail soon. FML
Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
He was pretending to be a cat burglar.
SashaTaras 26
What a catastrophe!
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Comments (37)
maximumcarnage 13
That's PUUURRRRfect! How is your nose is it FELINE fine?! I'm just KITTEN! HA Cat Puns!
elcee1987 18
Dude I can't even fault you for falling out of bed. That would scare the shit out of me too.
worldclassrager 41
I awoke my human by breathing on is neck...new way to wake him up...confirmed
minnymau5 5
...Was it actually your cat though? (dun dun dun)
Jryan952015 7
Looks like your the scaredy-cat
StellaNox 16
Never trust a cat! You never know, he/-she might be up to something.
teribaby89 9
??????Ive done this!!!
DemonBoy1988 22
Dude, you're so lucky, you just escaped from a cat assassin