FML&#039;s Who&#039;s Responsible…?

Today, I was cleaning up rabbit pee from the floor when my rabbit hopped up to me. To prevent her from standing in it and spreading it throughout the room, I shooed her away. She got such a fright that she jumped in the pee and spattered it all over my clothes and face. FML

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Understandable

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 12:33 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

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Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

By zzyx - 22/9/2009 03:19 - United States

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Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

By rnw - 21/7/2016 05:34 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

By whaaaaat111 - 9/3/2013 12:04 - United States - Vienna

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Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

By j0hn - 23/2/2009 02:35 - United States

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Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

By NotSoSexy - 26/11/2009 00:39 - United States

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Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 02:00 - Brazil

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Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

By ptwm - 25/1/2010 20:10 - United States

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Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

By Anonymous - 29/3/2014 02:00 - United States - Kent

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Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

By Rosies - 30/11/2008 02:34 - France

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Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

By pear8head - 8/8/2009 16:31 - United States

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Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2014 05:14 - United States - Phoenix

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Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

By Party Pooper - 25/5/2015 01:59 - United States

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Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

By fmlsheffgirl - 25/7/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

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Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

By IDPlease - 7/12/2018 03:00

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Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

By MIG2204 - 15/4/2019 20:00 - Denmark - Copenhagen

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 00:31 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

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Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

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Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

By natashamilan - 26/2/2015 01:43 - United States - Grand Rapids

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Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

By biblewanker - 17/12/2010 16:05 - Australia

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Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

By holy - 21/10/2009 21:03 - United Kingdom

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Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

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Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

By trippy - 24/6/2019 20:01

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Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML

By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 18:23

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Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

By happypineapple - 17/7/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

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Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, "You can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML

By larvagirl23 - 18/6/2009 15:08 - United States

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Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 16:36 - United States

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Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

By Anonymous - 1/12/2015 09:49 - Australia - Corrimal

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Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML

By allbrokeup - 1/12/2012 23:54 - Norway - Stavanger

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Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2010 06:44 - United States

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Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 18:30

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Today, I finally got a cable box for my TV. When I was connecting the cable, my tv fell and shattered the screen. FML

By icy - 6/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Prairieville

Not fair!

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Today, I brought my girlfriend home for dinner. The first words out of my dad's mouth were apparently, "Ah, you must be Dan's slam-piece." I was in the living room and didn't quite catch it all, but I said, "She certainly is!" Now I'm single, and all my friends think I'm a bastard. FML

By igiveup - 21/6/2012 18:19 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

By Iamthatgirl - 27/8/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

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Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

By snowman - 6/2/2010 05:12 - United States

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Today, while on the bus, I had to stand as all the seats were taken. I was standing behind a group of small girls who were messing around with their bags. As they were swinging them, one hit me square in the nuts with her elbow. The girl said, “Wise up, I hardly touched you.” I missed my stop. FML

By DanJames24 - 5/6/2020 14:00

Family jewels

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Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML

By stillyoung - 2/11/2010 06:50 - Australia

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Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 06:01 - United States

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Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML

By PlzSendBlankets - 27/6/2016 02:00 - United States

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