By Anonymous

Candid camera

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

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Season finale

Big bastard boss

Booty pic

By Alexandra - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

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By thanksnicksparks - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 17:00 - United States - Elmwood Park

Thanks for the support

Today, I told my dad I’m applying for a big pageant and I’ll find out tomorrow if I’m chosen to compete. I told him that there's a registration fee and a sponsorship fee. I then said that I might not be picked, but he assured me that I would… because they want the money from the fees. FML

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By ohfantastic - United States

Today, I was sleeping with my boyfriend and woke up in his arms to hear him say "Mom, Mom." FML

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By ScandinaviaBacon

Creepy Uncle Dave

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 23:00

Getting on

Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Putney

Deadlines whooshing by

Today, my Computer Science professor posted an assignment that's due right before our Monday class… on Monday morning. I wouldn't have even thought to check for assignments this morning if he hadn't done the same thing last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Freaked out

Today, my mom called me to the laundry room after she saw a dead animal in there. I took a look and agreed we should call animal control. After ten minutes of freaking out, they finally arrived to confirm that the dead animal was the hood to my winter jacket. FML

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By zackeryburch - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML

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By sadNsingle

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

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By fuck Star Wars! - 31/5/2020 08:00

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

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By whyymee - United States

Today, I helped a "blind" man across the street. He kindly said thank you and patted me on the back. Then, I went into a store and realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By Sad - United States

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

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By CantWin - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

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By lancus - 7/6/2020 14:06

Patriotic ass

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

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By jules - United States

Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

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By Fairy31 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

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By Soo - 24/12/2020 08:04 - Spain - Archidona

Stop that now

Today, I saw my 4 year-old daughter singing and dancing, so I decided to sing along. As soon as I started singing she said, without blinking her eyes and super calmly, "Could you please stop doing that?" FML

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By Anon - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

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By rydawg79 - United States

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

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By asthmatic - United States

Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML

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By ej6901 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

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By stalker - United States

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

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By Rowden - Australia

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

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By ummmmEW - United States

Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

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By FuckfaceSteve - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

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By Joel_28 - Canada

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. My usual doctor wasn't available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 05:01

Social distancing

Today, we celebrated our daughter's sixth birthday. Out of the 30 invited, 7 showed up. The last one to cancel this morning told us she was ill. My daughter was in tears as this meant the last remaining playmate couldn't come. My wife later saw her tagged on Facebook at another party. FML

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By kingpin9219 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

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Top comments

By daengh | 15

#7904614 - Saturday 9 May 2020 0:48

Situational awareness. Gotta have it.

By Wadlaen | 21

#7904612 - Saturday 9 May 2020 0:22

Well, you probably got some attention in that meeting!😂

COMMENTS

By Wadlaen | 21

#7904612 - Saturday 9 May 2020 0:22

Well, you probably got some attention in that meeting!😂

By daengh | 15

#7904614 - Saturday 9 May 2020 0:48

Situational awareness. Gotta have it.

By TexasKitten79 | 3

#7904795 - Saturday 9 May 2020 15:39

I don't understand how you didn't know you were on a zoom meeting.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7904922 - Saturday 9 May 2020 22:14

Did you forget you were on camera?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7905206 - Monday 11 May 2020 4:37

I bet you felt a right tit.

And a left one.