Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

by bleredoshia / 04/08/2010 at 12:27am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Sooz's comment : Smart kid. You should prepare to learn a lot from him!

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Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

by A. Person / 04/07/2010 at 1:36am / Mexico (Sonora) / Transportation

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

by anonymous / 04/07/2010 at 12:21am / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

by BluBaller / 04/06/2010 at 3:10am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

by blah. / 04/05/2010 at 6:14am / Thailand (Krung Thep) / Health

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

by FASHlONABLE / 04/05/2010 at 3:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

wrigglezeus's comment : legend lol

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Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date says "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

by Hate2Date / 04/05/2010 at 1:14am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

by BigBangrocksthenight / 04/02/2010 at 8:31pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

by Gina / 04/02/2010 at 7:33am / Thailand (Krung Thep) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

by kmang33 / 04/02/2010 at 7:24am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

by worried / 04/01/2010 at 4:28am / Ireland (Dublin) / Health

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was making a list of things to do tomorrow while faking an orgasm when I realize my boyfriend had finished about two minutes ago. He's pissed. FML

by darthmilfious / 03/31/2010 at 3:56am / Intimacy

tippy_pink89's comment : well ydi for faking, if he's not doing it right, tell him, how's he ever gonna learn n fyl for getting caught

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Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

by imsorrylove / 03/31/2010 at 12:44am / United States / Intimacy