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Man or woman?

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

#8131977
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24702) - you deserved it (2222)

On 02/11/2010 at 2:40pm - intimacy - by yourstruly - United States (Georgia)

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

#8130787
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25725) - you deserved it (6021)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:42pm - misc - by tammyg - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

#8130658
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26811) - you deserved it (5331)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:35pm - misc - by Nick (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I read my mom's Facebook status. It said, "So sick of kids, can't wait for Vegas this week!" My dad, along with 12 others, liked it. I didn't even know she was going to Vegas. FML

#8129133
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28116) - you deserved it (4556)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:09pm - kids - by kbeavv - United States (Maryland)

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

#8125796
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29405) - you deserved it (7423)

On 02/11/2010 at 9:07am - work - by Prodigy (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

#8125309
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25857) - you deserved it (7636)

On 02/11/2010 at 8:33am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

#8124338
216 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47588) - you deserved it (3309)

On 02/11/2010 at 7:22am - misc - by Biological (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

#8122444
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27733) - you deserved it (6574)

On 02/11/2010 at 4:12am - love - by purpledp12 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

#8122396
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21282) - you deserved it (2866)

On 02/11/2010 at 4:09am - intimacy - by stewiesclone - United States

Today, I spilled some milk on my laptop. I was pretty sure it would be fine as it was only a bit of milk. While cleaning the residue, I knocked a whole bucket of water into the insides of the laptop. RIP Macbook. FML

#8120945
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12415) - you deserved it (33294)

On 02/11/2010 at 2:32am - misc - by NC (man) - Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur)

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

#8119072
300 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23483) - you deserved it (5032)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:18am - intimacy - by syl - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

#8118993
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25468) - you deserved it (4837)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:14am - love - by sari14 - United States (Virginia)

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

#8117396
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11088) - you deserved it (37610)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:33am - intimacy - by CatWoman (woman) - United States (District of Columbia)



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