Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 10:12pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I gave my two weeks notice at work. My boss sighed with relief and muttered, "Thank God." FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 12:42pm / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 12:22pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 11:28am / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Money

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 10:45am / Brunei Darussalam / Love

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 10:03am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 9:20am / Spain (Asturias) / Intimacy

amazinemo578's comment : what? that's romantic

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Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

by deadinavan / 10/13/2010 at 8:57am / Germany (Bayern) / Transportation

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

by SoundConfuser / 10/13/2010 at 7:58am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML

by your mother / 10/13/2010 at 5:02am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

by Abused / 10/13/2010 at 4:36am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

kportal69's comment : what like he grabs on to your love handles during sex? why do you think they're called love handles?? am I stupid or are you?? just trying to figure that one out.

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Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

by failure / 10/13/2010 at 2:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

by grow_fasterrr - / 10/13/2010 at 1:28am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous