Miss 32 years-old
Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, "I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy." FML
Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML
Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML
Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML
Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML
Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML
Today, I was at the airport when I saw a woman drop her bags and run to her husband. Thinking that someone might steal them, I picked up her bags and brought them over to her. She thanked me by slapping me, calling me a bitch and calling security. FML
Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML
Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML
Today, someone stole my umbrella. It was pouring heavily, and I was using it at the time. FML
Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the living room. I jumped up and went running, only to find out it was my mother, who'd screamed at some dramatic plot twist in a Sex and the City episode. FML
Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML
Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML
Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML
Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML
Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML
Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML
Today, I saw an elderly woman drop $20 while shopping. Trying to be a good samaritan, I picked it up and tried to hand it back to her. She accused me of stealing it and beat me with her purse. The manager had to fend her off me. FML
Today, while I was in a very important meeting on Skype, my apartment complex was evacuated due to the fire alarm going off. The reason was that my neighbor put a fork in his microwave due to him being extremely drunk. FML
Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML
Today, my anxiety was escalating so I decided to try an anti-anxiety adult coloring book to calm myself down. Too bad I got more stressed out about which colors I should use. FML
Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML
Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML
Today, I rode my bike to the store because I only had a few things to pick up. When I walked back out after five minutes, my bike was stolen. I had gone to the store to buy a new bike lock. FML
Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML
Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML
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