Stittsville, Canada
Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML
Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML
Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML
Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML
Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML
Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the liposuction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML
Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML
Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML
Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said, "We're not ready for our table yet." Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend, who I've met several times. FML
Today, it is mine and my twin sister's birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me also pretty. FML
Today, I was babysitting my co-worker's son. He was eating Jell-o and spilled it on his top, so I pulled off his PJ's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year-old. FML
Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML
Today, I was walking up to girlfriend's house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic, I surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and I watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriend's mom in the face. FML
Today, I got home to find my mom sitting in the kitchen reading the mail. I saw an empty bottle of Absolut peach vodka on the counter. Surprised, I picked it up and said "Wow, who drinks this?" Her reply was "Why don't you tell me? I found it in your room." FML
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
Today, I bitched out my grandmother, who lives with my family, for being lazy and laying in bed until 6-7pm for the past month. When I was done, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was depressed because of it. Nobody had bothered to tell me. FML
Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I dropped it off as usual, but my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6-year-old patient. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML
Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML
Today, I was at a swim meet. I was on a relay team and I was the anchor. My team was in 1st. I was ready to dive in when I saw my tampon string was hanging out of my suit. I freaked, slid off the block, and fell on top of the guy before me and gave him a concussion. We got DQed for a false start FML
Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML
Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML
Today, my 6 year-old granddaughter was sitting on my lap, playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die, can I have that one?" FML
Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. As we were approaching a stop sign, I looked next to me and saw a guy with a triangle-shaped head. I said to my son, "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML
Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them, I impaled my forearm on a knife that was sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML
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