Miss 24 years-old
Today, my boyfriend showed me his need for speed. It was amazing, except he showed it to me with my new car while running away from the cops. FML
Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML
Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML
Today, I found out my father's girlfriend is moving in with us. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. FML
Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML
Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that he'd already dumped me once this week and did it again. FML
Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML
Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML
Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML
Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML
Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML
Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML
Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML
Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML
Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for two hours. FML
Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML
Today, I'm a horse trainer and I started working with a lady's horse. After two hours of hard work and sweat, me and the horse in question are tired and I tell her I'll be back tomorrow. I get to the part where she's supposed to pay me and she says, "Oh! I thought this was free!?" FML
Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was "drying the water." FML
Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML
Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML
Today, I woke up and texted my girlfriend, "Good morning" like I do everyday. She responded with, "I'm dating somebody else". FML
Today, I finally got up the courage to quit my first job. I spent hours determining the most professional way; the method, and the wording I would use. In the middle of the phone call, my manager hung up on me. FML
Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML
Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML
Today, whilst still trying to potty train my puppy and keep her from both peeing and pooping in the house, my lactose intolerance kicked in full fledge. Every time I pass gas, she smells poop and believes it's okay to immediately drop a deuce on the carpet. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML
Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML
Today, I received a text with my last name spelled wrong. A short conversation revealed he got my number from me, through Tinder. I don't have an account, but he insisted he knew that I like it "hard and rough." He knew my first name. I still don't know how he got my phone number or name. FML
Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML
Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
