Miss 25 years-old Single
Today, I was let go from my dream job. My manager said he couldn't keep me busy all day, and so he didn't need me. He still has a "Help Wanted" sign up. FML
Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML
Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML
Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML
Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML
Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML
Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML
Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML
Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML
Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML
Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML
Today, I called my mom to tell her that I finally got my period. There was an awkward pause. She was at work. I was on speakerphone. FML
Today, I bitched out my grandmother, who lives with my family, for being lazy and laying in bed until 6-7pm for the past month. When I was done, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was depressed because of it. Nobody had bothered to tell me. FML
Today, as I caught the train home, a woman got on and sat on the only available seat next to me. We got talking and as the train approached the next station, she said that this was her stop and she had to go. She exited the train and I turn to see her enter the compartment behind me. FML
Today, there was a huge storm. There were no buses, so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years, who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and it makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML
Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML
Today, I had the closing shift at work in a café and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee, she grabbed my arm and said, "I think that man is masturbating" and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML
Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus's new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML
Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML
Today, I let my mother use my computer for school work. Later that day my mom asks me what's wrong with the computer. I look at it, only seeing a "Welcome to Windows XP" screen. She said that she saw a blue screen and pressed L and C when it asked her to. My mom managed to clear my hard drive. FML
Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late. He said, "Oh, something came up." I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML
Today, I was working as a Valet driver. After getting no customers for 5 hours in the pouring rain, a woman driving by stops and asks me for directions. Before leaving, she said, "I should probably tip you for that, since that's probably the only money you'd get all night." She didn't. FML
Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML
Today, I looked at my father's Facebook for the first time in a month to see a status saying, "Making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter? FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend and her best friend compare the dumps they take to common transportation. They comment about it on each others facebook page. My girlfriend's last one was apparently a 'coach bus'. FML
Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she'd carved her old boyfriend's name in her arm, and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML
Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML
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