Miss
Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was on the internet playing a game. I have a speech impediment, and the guy running it told me to get off his server for making fun of disabled people. FML
Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML
Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML
Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML
Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML
Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the crosswalk. Suddenly, I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML
Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were watching a movie in my basement. I ran upstairs and popped a bag of popcorn. Later I came downstairs to find my 10 year-old brother sitting next to my girlfriend, saying, "My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means." FML
Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML
Today, I was babysitting a little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park, so we did. As we were walking back, I was carrying her on my back. When we were almost at the front door, she told me she had to pee. I told her to hold it in for a second. As we were walking through the door, I felt a warm spot on my back. FML
Today, there was a huge storm. There were no buses, so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years, who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and it makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML
Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML
Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML
Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt… into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML
Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML
Today, I told my 8 year-old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she's ugly. FML
Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML
Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML
Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML
Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that my school was "too expensive" and he "couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii; apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML
Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML
Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML
Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML
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