Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML
Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML
Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML
Today, I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, but as soon as I started, my mom rushed into the kitchen and criticized me for making it "wrong". She then made the sandwich for me. It tasted significantly worse than when I make them. FML
Today, I had to train a new guy whose body odor was killing me. After he'd left, I had to run two industry size fans to blow the stench out of my office. FML
Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML
Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML
Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML
Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML
Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML
Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML
Today, after returning from some caveman type "men’s retreat" with his buddies, my husband is now refusing to cook or help out with the house and kids as it’s "women’s work." He also expects to be fetched beer on demand and referred to as "King" from now on. I don’t know rather to laugh or cry. FML
Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML
Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML
Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML
Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML
Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML
Today, I found out the medication my doctor gave me for depression is making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML
Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML
Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML
Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML
Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML
Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML
Today, while having sex, my boyfriend admitted to having an affair. To comfort me, he said, "But you have bigger boobs, so you have nothing to worry about." FML
Today, a guy on the train was using his phone really loudly, asking Siri to call a bunch of people, or using voice command to do the most menial things. He was really, really noisy. It's only after I couldn't stand it any more and asked him to be quieter that I noticed the white cane next to him. FML
Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML
Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML
Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML
Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML
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