Miss Philadelphia 35 years-old Single
Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML
Today, I stepped out for some fresh air while I waited for my clothes to dry at the laundromat. Just as I was retrieving my clothes, a disheveled-looking kid staggered over, pushed me aside, and started vomiting his guts out all over my fresh clothes. FML
Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML
Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML
Today, my car keys decided to play hide and seek. Good news: I found them under my bed. Bad news: it was after my job interview was scheduled to start. FML
Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML
Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML
Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML
Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML
Today, I tried to go to my Hotmail account on my boyfriend's computer. When I typed in "hot", a big history list came down. It was all "Hot single mom looking for a good lay" Craigslist ads. FML
Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML
Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML
Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML
Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disneyland toilet. FML
Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML
Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML
Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML
Today, my thieving, layabout stepmom planted weed in my bedroom and showed my dad. Well, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but her smirk and telling me later that I shouldn't fuck with her again seems conclusive to me. Goodbye freedom. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML
Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML
Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML
Today, my insomnia wins. I'm too wired and awake to sleep, but too stoned on my sleeping pills to get up and do something productive. FML
Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML
Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML
Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML
Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML
Today, I thought I was finally over my anxiety problem, and confidently went to my first ever job interview. Halfway through, the manager told me that if I didn't stop being so nervous, he couldn't give me the job. I cried. FML
Today, in the men's room, a guy using the adjacent toilet dropped his phone, and it fell right next to my foot. The screen was facing upward, and looked like he was taking pictures of his junk in the office toilet. FML
Today, I got a round of applause. Too bad it was from my thighs as I went down the stairs. FML
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