Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML
Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML
Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let rip a loud fart. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML
Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML
Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML
Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML
Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML
Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML
Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML
Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML
Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML
Today, I realized that my new haircut makes me look like a movie star. Not Scarlett Johansson, no. I look like Lord Farquaad. FML
Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML
Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML
Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML
Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML
Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML
Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML
Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML
Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML
Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my dad about my worries for my mental health. He then told me about the tracking device the aliens had implanted in his hand when they abducted him. There's nothing like family. FML
Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza, and ended up falling asleep on my couch. FML
Today, I found out the reason why my car has smelled so bad for the past two weeks. It turns out when my sister was bringing in groceries from my car she forgot to grab the raw chicken. FML
Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated two years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML
Today, I emotionally confessed my feelings to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat myself several times. He ended up saying no. FML
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