Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, my mother in law basically said I deserve my breast cancer, all because I declined to take part in one of her "March Against Cancer" events a while ago. I guess donating money to cancer research instead of going on a meaningless march really messed up my karma. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said, "But seriously… No." FML
Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago, I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML
Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML
Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML
Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML
Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML
Today, I threw away a bunch of candy wrappers from my pocket, I also managed to throw away $20. That was the only money I had. FML
Today, I now need to include in my prerequisites for a potential date, "Must not pull a knife out on one of my guy friends for hugging me." I'm so done with online dating. FML
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML
Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML
Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML
Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML
Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML
Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML
Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML
Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML
Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML
Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that my boyfriend lied about getting a vasectomy before we met, in spite of knowing how phobic I am of pregnancy and kids. His defense? "I figured you'd change your mind someday, because all you chicks love babies." FML
Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML
Today, I was working at a movie theater when I was called to clean what can only be described as "Dog Shit Surprise" out of a theater. FML
Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML
Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML
Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML
Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML
Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date, he started talking about his wife and kids. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML
Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML
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