Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML
Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML
Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML
Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML
Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML
Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML
Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year-olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML
Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML
Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML
Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML
Today, a man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML
Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML
Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML
Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML
Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML
Today, we got CCTV fitted in our store. My lovely boss told me he'll be spending his free time watching the footage on his phone to know what I get up to when he's not in. FML
Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML
Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML
Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML
Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML
Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me, and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML
Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML
Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML
Today, I told my 10 year-old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
