Miss Montreal, Canada 31 years-old
Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML
Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me as I was leaving and said, "Have a nice… week!" FML
Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML
Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML
Today, I was rear-ended by a girl barely out of her teens. I got out of my car and went to get her insurance details, only for her mother to get out and up in my face, screaming at me to, "Get back in your fucking car and get the fuck out of here!" I panicked and did just that. FML
Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML
Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML
Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML
Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML
Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML
Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML
Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML
Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML
Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML
Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML
Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML
Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML
Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML
Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML
Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, my nose hair scares him. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML
Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my fingernail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML
Today, while on trial for a desperately needed new job, I tripped crossing a road with my would-be manager. I twisted my ankle, and he had to carry me across the road and call a taxi for me to go home. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML
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