Miss New Jersey, USA 29 years-old Single
Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML
Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML
If you ever come to a point in your life where you begin to think your fear of spiders is ridiculous, remember there are people out there who are afraid of butterflies.
Today, I was at a concert and I thought the cute drummer was winking at me, so I winked back. Then I realized he was blinking sweat out his eyes. FML
Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML
Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML
Today, my new husband of two weeks attempted to solicit sex from a hooker. He tried to excuse himself by saying, "I would never cheat on you! I was just looking." FML
I'm sorry, I don't remember inviting you over.
Today, after months of telling my landlord about the weak floorboards in my living room, I fell through them as I was trying to repair them myself. FML
Today, I found out that my husband of 11 years shared nude pictures of me with random people online, to 'show me off' and to masturbate to the pictures he received in return. FML
Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML
Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML
Today, I found out I will not be moving back to California. My mom told me we were going to go on a 2 month vacation to see family in India. She decided we are staying for good. FML
Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML
Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock-solid erection. FML
Can you name the movie before the timer runs out?
Today, after living in Korea for 6 months due to my husband's military career, doctors finally found out why I've been sick since I've been here. I'm allergic to the air. The air quality is so bad here that it is making me sick. Only 2 more years to go before we get moved again. FML
Today, as soon as I put my card into an ATM, the words "Out of Order" popped up and it would not return my card. Since I was at the bank, I got a free replacement. Trying to draw money again the second machine did the same thing and a third card costs more than what I have in my account. FML
Today, I was having a chat with a fellow veteran I bumped into at a car show. He ended the conversation by turning to my dad and saying, "you're lucky to catch a young honey like this." Then went on to ask if we'd tried anal yet. FML
Today, I vomited on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "Little Miss Nervous" during my second interview. FML
Have you watched episode 2 yet? Let us know if you had the same reaction!
Today, while on a weekend away, my boyfriend and I went for a walk. I now get to tell everyone the story of how my boyfriend got down on one knee into a pile of cow shit while proposing. FML
Today, I spent the first two hours of my shift cleaning up liquid poo after an elderly lady sat in one of our chairs and promptly let go of her bowels. I was so embarrassed for her that I even bought her a towel, underwear, and a pair of pants. She then thanked one of my coworkers for all the help. FML
Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML
Today, I ordered a vacuum cleaner on Amazon for same-day delivery. When it arrived in the evening I learned the value of reading the description rather than just looking at pictures because it turned out to be a toy vacuum, for a suggested age of two. FML
Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML
Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML
Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, then passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML
Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML
Today, I went on a Tinder date with a hot British guy. He spent 90% of the date talking about his ex, but I invited him back to my place anyway. He came after 20 minutes of foreplay then left without even offering to get me off. FML
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