Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML
Today, while reading some chemistry notes, I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say, "Ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML
Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML
Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML
Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML
Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML
Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab, saying, "My mom thought you would like this, it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML
Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML
Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML
Today, I was awoken by my son squirting liquid on me from a bottle. We have a high deer population in our area, so I spray urine contained in black bottle on my plants to help deter the deer from eating them. I also water my flowers with water from a blue bottle. My son used the black one. FML
Today, while I was working a customer notified me that the men's restroom need some attention. Thinking that there was just a small mess, I walked into the restroom only to discover someone had taken a crap in the sink. Guess who got to clean it. FML
Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML
Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML
Today, I learned that when you flush the toilet, the contents do not disappear into oblivion. They show up in your basement when your sewer backs up. And they come in greater numbers. FML
Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML
Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML
Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML
Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML
Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML
Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer's. FML
Today, my name was called during an assembly because I'd won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML
Today, it's my birthday, and I was going over to my friend's house for dinner. When I walked in, everyone yelled, "Surprise!" and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me, she said, "Wrong person guys, turn off the lights." FML
Today, I suggested that my mother download Skype so we could video chat while I'm studying in London over the summer. After I had explained how it worked and that it was free, she said "Well...you'll only be gone for a few months. It's not really worth it." FML
Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly, all while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML
Today, my friend was saying how her "nano" died. I quickly responded by saying, "So? Recharge it." Turns out she didn't say "nano"; she'd said "nana." FML
Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over, I walked around cleaning up the trash. I saw a card sitting on the table, along with a note to my mom saying, "Better luck with this one." At the moment I'm an only child, and the card was from my grandmother. FML
Today, I was in the supermarket when I saw a little boy trying to reach for something on the top shelf. I went over to him and asked if his mom knew where he was. The boy turned around. He was actually a very angry midget. FML
Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML
Today, I went to the mall with a couple of friends. While walking through the parking lot, we saw a very dirty car. You couldn't even see the inside of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." After doing so, the driver got out of the car. FML
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