Mr New York, United States 35 years-old
Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML
Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML
Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of the smell of marijuana in the house. So I confessed and told her I'll never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML
Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML
Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML
Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML
Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML
Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML
Today, I went to the movies with the girl I liked. She kept on eating my popcorn so I whispered in her ear, "Pretty soon your going to have to repay me with kisses." Then she looked at me and walked out the theatre. She came back with a bucket of popcorn and said, "Here, you're repaid." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML
Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML
Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML
Today, I was hanging out with a group of friends when I got into a conversation with this really attractive girl who I've liked for months. She asked me what school I go to. I sit to her left in biology. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML
Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML
Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML
Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML
Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I've been because of my job. While I'm speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was important. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML
Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said, "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML
Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML
Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML
Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML
Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML
Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn't see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize my dad's car wasn't in the driveway. FML
Today, knowing that the girl I broke up with last night goes crazy after breakups, I threw away my hair products, thinking she switched them with Nair. She didn't... but she did use the key I keep under a flowerpot to take all of my clothes and burn them on my lawn while I was at work. FML
Today, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating for two months because she started smoking. This is a deal breaker for me. I just found out from her friend that she started smoking for the sole purpose of getting me to break it off and now plans to quit. FML
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