Mr Portland 29 years-old
Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML
Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML
Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML
Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML
Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML
Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML
Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML
Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML
Today, I scored the winning goal in my soccer tournament. For the other team. FML
Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML
Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML
Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I approached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML
Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML
Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML
Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML
Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML
Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML
Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML
Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML
Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML
Today, I met the man of my dreams. We saw a movie, then went to a bar. It went perfectly, until he got wasted and started singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to me while everyone laughed. Then I woke up, having just been Rickrolled by my own subconscious. FML
Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML
Today, I went out to a restaurant to meet a girl that I met online. When I arrived, I texted her and she said she was wearing a blue shirt. The only person that was wearing anything blue was a fat man smiling in the corner. FML
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