baby4mommy

Today, I was helping my dad sell furniture online after a messy divorce. After organising everything to be picked up, it turned out the buyer was the guy Mum had the affair with. What are the chances? FML

Fixed

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

Sweet relief

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

Potty

Today, I took my two-year-old out to dinner. During dinner, our son went to the bathroom three times. As we were getting ready to leave he kept saying he had to go potty. He had gone multiple times, so I thought he would be fine. As he stood up, a giant turd fell on the floor in front of everyone. FML

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry, Honey. FML

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

Today, I attempted to bleach the little hairs above my lip. I had it on for about 15 seconds. Turns out that the horrible stinging that I had felt meant that it was not just working, but also eating through my skin at the same time. FML

Today, the owner of the restaurant I work at texted me to let me know the manager does not want me to come in anymore. Why? I'm the most praised of the staff by the customers and they love me, which makes the manager look bad. The owner hired me solely for customer service in the first place. FML

Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

Glazed over

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

Today, I was flirting with a really cute girl and we ran out of things to say, I got so nervous with the silence that I asked her if she had hiccuped lately. FML

Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML

Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML

Today, my best friend asked if car oil could be used as a substitute for lube. I need new friends. FML

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

Today, I got yelled at in my office. It's construction, and I'm the youngest woman. One of my male bosses yelled at me because grown-ass adults won't sign in the log. Either I get my ass kicked by construction guys over a sign-in sheet, or yelled at by my boss. I can't win. FML

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

Today, my former boss is threatening to keep my last paycheck until I return a skateboard that a guest forgot at the hotel about a month ago. She was the one who gave me the order to put it in the trash. FML

Today, I sprained my wrist while trying to grate a block of frozen cheese. FML

Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML

Today, I found out that a coworker and I may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML