Miss New York City, America 35 years-old Single
Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year-old man who came up and handed us, "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML
Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML
Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML
Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML
Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML
Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML
Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming, "Sexy!" The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML
Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2-month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML
Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML
Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML
Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML
Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML
Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML
Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replied, "You farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML
Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML
Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML
Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer, I saw her battery was flat so I said, "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said, "Not yet." FML
Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML
Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML
Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN!" in front of the whole restaurant. FML
Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML
Today, I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant, and that she was the only person I had called. Immediately after I hung up the phone I got a text saying, "OMG my sister thinks she's pregnant!" FML
Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML
Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML
Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML
Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML
Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML
Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML
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