babilove6979

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

Testing the waters

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

Today, I went to the pool with my new white bathers. I felt really good about myself because everyone was staring at me until this hot guy came up to me and said "Dude, your bathers are see-through. You need to shave!" FML

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

Shame!

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

Broke

Today, I spotted a $100 bill on the ground. Being a little strapped for cash, I excitedly picked it up. I discovered it was one of those religious tract papers made to look like a folded bill, with a message scolding me for being greedy. FML

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend and I have more in common than I thought. We both are sexually attracted to men. FML

Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML