CheesyFan20

Today, my separation anxiety got so intense, I found myself smelling my boyfriend's pillow. FML

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

Alexa, play "Family Snapshot" by Peter Gabriel

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Like a virgin

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

Today, I realized the only reason my phone ever rings is because someone needs help with their computer. FML

Chill, lady

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

Kinda harsh, don't ya think?

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

Piss off, basically

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

Channelling GG Allin

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

Today, I went to college on bike through snow and hail only to find out my professor can't make it to class due to the weather. She lives down my street. FML

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

Huge fan

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

Social media was a mistake

Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

Today, I got a tattoo of the snake and staff medical symbol on my wrist. Now everyone keeps asking what illness I have; they think it's a medical bracelet substitute. FML

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

Intervention

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

Dire straits

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML