Oak Hill, United States 33 years-old
Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML
Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML
Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML
Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML
Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML
Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML
Today, I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. FML
Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML
Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML
Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML
Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML
Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML
Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML
Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML
Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML
Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML
Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, I realized how close my boyfriend and best friend are. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML
Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML
Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML
Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML
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