Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML
Today, I still have the bronchitis and the stomach flu that I suffered through all weekend. Today was to be the day I had my bachelorette party and wedding shower. I had to call both of them off. FML
Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML
Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML
Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML
Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML
Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So, it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML
Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML
Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML
Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML
Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML
Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML
Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML
Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML
Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother's death to the death of their cat. FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML
Today, I noticed a flashy car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML
Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML
Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML
Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML
Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML
Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML
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