chillincheeba

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

Just a prank, son!

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh, apparently. FML

What an ass

Today, a coworker thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair. When I sat down, it went directly into my butt. When I sprang up, I hit my head on a lamp. I then hit my head on my desk on the way down. FML

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

Give it away

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

Nice try, bozo

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML

Toxic

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML

Pay attention

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Today, while coming out of Walmart, I dropped a $50 bill. Some kid came running up after me yelling, "Hey mister, you dropped this!" as he ran past me laughing. FML

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML